Today I read two great posts on 2 blogs:
http://www.intentionallyyours.org/2013/07/19/where-is-your-faith/
http://www.lovingwhenithurts.com/
For this link it is the July 19 post titled "I'm So Tired of Asking"
I read these blogs daily & I was struck by how closely they intertwined for me today. So often when walking through a trial we run into very deep valleys. I have them. I know what Jamie from Loving When It Hurts is talking about. Have you ever experienced it? Do you get to the place described in Worn by Tenth Avenue North? Where it's just too much? Sometimes when I start down that path, it's just like she describes, suddenly I find myself where I never intended to be. It is as if I can literally feel the hardening of my heart. I don't want to engage. I can't pray. I can't read my Bible, and when I try it is as if it bounces right off me. I know God is calling me back, but I just don't want to go back because the hurt is too much.
But thankfully He doesn't go away. He waits patiently while I make mistakes. While I rebel - maybe not always in outright actions, but within my heart.
He waits for me to stop looking at myself. This is where the Intentionally Yours blog was so key for me. God already knows all the circumstances. He's got that covered & figured out already. He's waiting for me to surrender it all to Him again, and again, and again, and again.
Is my faith dependent on what God can do for me? Or based on who He is? Will I let everything be defined by circumstances or by my God? Do I just want God to change the outside stuff and not cleanse me from within? Guess what - the hard stuff, the really, really hard stuff - that's what changes me from the inside out. If God doesn't do the work of removing the yuck, then it's all for nothing. The trial is a waste. God wants to change ME, to sanctify me. That is why all of this mess - I thank God for it. Without it, I wouldn't be a new creation in Him. I would be the controlling, fearful, anxious, uncompassionate, self-centered old me. Praise God for doing what He needed to do to change me!
I want to rest in who I am in Him, and in Him alone. Some days, that faith is strong. Other days, that faith is weak. But that is my humanness. All the while, God remains unchanged, loving, and waiting for me to again rest in Him. I stumble. I falter. It's not easy. I fight it.
I surrender it.
