Today I read two great posts on 2 blogs:
http://www.intentionallyyours.org/2013/07/19/where-is-your-faith/
http://www.lovingwhenithurts.com/
For this link it is the July 19 post titled "I'm So Tired of Asking"
I read these blogs daily & I was struck by how closely they intertwined for me today. So often when walking through a trial we run into very deep valleys. I have them. I know what Jamie from Loving When It Hurts is talking about. Have you ever experienced it? Do you get to the place described in Worn by Tenth Avenue North? Where it's just too much? Sometimes when I start down that path, it's just like she describes, suddenly I find myself where I never intended to be. It is as if I can literally feel the hardening of my heart. I don't want to engage. I can't pray. I can't read my Bible, and when I try it is as if it bounces right off me. I know God is calling me back, but I just don't want to go back because the hurt is too much.
But thankfully He doesn't go away. He waits patiently while I make mistakes. While I rebel - maybe not always in outright actions, but within my heart.
He waits for me to stop looking at myself. This is where the Intentionally Yours blog was so key for me. God already knows all the circumstances. He's got that covered & figured out already. He's waiting for me to surrender it all to Him again, and again, and again, and again.
Is my faith dependent on what God can do for me? Or based on who He is? Will I let everything be defined by circumstances or by my God? Do I just want God to change the outside stuff and not cleanse me from within? Guess what - the hard stuff, the really, really hard stuff - that's what changes me from the inside out. If God doesn't do the work of removing the yuck, then it's all for nothing. The trial is a waste. God wants to change ME, to sanctify me. That is why all of this mess - I thank God for it. Without it, I wouldn't be a new creation in Him. I would be the controlling, fearful, anxious, uncompassionate, self-centered old me. Praise God for doing what He needed to do to change me!
I want to rest in who I am in Him, and in Him alone. Some days, that faith is strong. Other days, that faith is weak. But that is my humanness. All the while, God remains unchanged, loving, and waiting for me to again rest in Him. I stumble. I falter. It's not easy. I fight it.
I surrender it.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Darkness and Light
2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
I took this picture the other weekend from our front door as a storm was rolling in. It was amazing that night to stand there and watch that pillar of light shining in a blinding light right in the middle of all those dark storm clouds. It was such a sweet reminder to me of how when your life is in a middle of a storm, God remains steadfast & faithful, right there in the middle of it.
But I have also been processing it in other ways this week. In a dark, dark world, He is the light. John 8:12 "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”"
When we are stuck in sin, we are stuck in darkness. Watching those clouds around the outer edge of the light spin & move was a great image of that. We circle & run from the light. We run from the light because the light exposes the evil desires that lie within our hearts. We run to the other side to try something else, anything besides the light that makes us face the depth of our own depravity apart from Jesus.
Guilty people run because deep down, they know they can't face their own guilt.
Even though we run, God, the only light, remains unmoving. Truth remains steadfast. Letting us run. Waiting for us to turn our face upon Him. Waiting for us to realize that because of His sacrifice, we don't have to carry our own guilt. Waiting for us the realize that while we deserve that wrath & guilt, that is exactly why He sent His son to die. We can't face our own guilt because if we could - we wouldn't need Jesus.
There, when we face the light we finally can be washed in His grace & mercy by the shed blood of Jesus. There we are forgiven and made righteous in His eyes. By His power, His light will then shine through us.
When His light is upon you, unrepentant people run from you. I'm talking like literally run from you. They can't talk to you. They can't look you in the eye. Have you experienced that? I have. Why do they run? Because people running from the light have hearts that are ruled by the evil one, they do his will. And when faced with God's light, satan must flee. Why? Because he is already defeated, God has already overcome & won the war. Their running is actually a sign that God is working, that the Holy Spirit is pursuing them because satan needs to remove them from the light exposure to try & save face in his defeat. Satan & people in his grip are literally not able to stand up to the face of Jesus and have any chance. Their defeat is already written. So they run so that they can continue in their blinding darkness, never having the courage to face truth that is their defeat. And they remain there until God in His great mercy, redeems them.
What then can you do? Stand in the light, and let them run. Stand firm in Him. Knowing & trusting that God will continue to pursue them in His own way and in His own time. Rejoice in the truth that the evil ruling them has already lost. Rejoice in His amazing grace that has freed you from the world of darkness, that has given you eyes to see that that was once you. Praise God for the work is is doing! Rejoice in 1 Peter 2:9 "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."
And you pray, knowing the truth found in Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. It is not a battle against the specific people. It is a battle between your Savior and the already defeated evil one. Pray that God would extend mercy to the people running. Pray that God would protect you from stumbling and falling into a place where you are running again.
And smile - because you already know who wins.
Stop running from the light and instead run to it. Run to Jesus.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
White Knuckles
The kids are finally sleeping.
The only light in the house is coming from the flickering candle on the kitchen counter.
The only sound is the gentle tick-tock from the clock on the wall.
There I sit in my husband's recliner.
My hands are in my lap. I look at my closed fists, willing them to open. I am determined to make them open. To have hands open for the Lord to take & lead.
I open my hands.
I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks as the fear within me clamps them shut again.
In my head I think about a section from the book my Bible study group is doing. A paragraph that has gripped me for weeks. I read and reread it over and over. The book is A Quest for More by Paul Tripp. The chapter is Sacrifice and the section is called white-knuckle living.
"The thing that is shocking about Christ's call to sacrifice is that he is calling us to die. No, not to take our lives in the physical sense, but to so fundamentally sacrifice all that is precious to us, that it is as if we have died. In the sense that it cannot be the central treasure of our hearts, he call us to die to our most precious relationship. He calls us to die to our plan for our own lives. He calls us to die to all the things we have set our hearts on that we think will make us happy and once and for all satisfy us. He calls us to open our fists and give up all those other treasures that would control our decisions, determine our actions, and edit our words. Jesus knows that we are not able to follow Him and hold our fists around these things at the same time, because they end up taking hold of us. Christ calls us to acknowledge that what we once wanted, and then became convinced that we needed, we now have become addicted to. We don't hold things very well. Again and again we experience that what we once held loosely has now come to control us. So he calls us to open our hands and offer everything for his taking. And we celebrate his call to sacrifice, because it is a welcome to freedom. This call to die is a welcome to a wonderful new life. And the One who makes this call is the One who gave himself as the sacrifice that is the central event of the big kingdom. He was willing to let go of it all, even to die, so that we could live in personal pursuit of him, increasingly freed from bondage to all the other things that may control us" (pages 180-181)
Father, I want open hands! So I force them open.
All my questions, all my fears, all the unkowns - they cause my fingers to close back into a fist. But how my heart longs for them to be open.
Can I have open hands & still desire my husband and my marriage? What does that practically look like for my life? I don't want my marriage to be an idol. I want to be able to give it all up for the sake of knowing Christ my Savior. To count it all as loss in order to follow Jesus in every aspect of my life.
Through my tears I confess my sins in where I stumble in living as though anything but Jesus is needed. To ask Him to forgive my unbelief in who He is and what He can do. For forgiveness when I cross the line of needing my husband instead of letting him be one of the good & perfect gifts that come from Him alone. To accept the freedom of not having to try & figure out that balance on my own. Trusting Him to lead me as He teaches me that balance for this day.
I can't pry them open & make them stay open. I am too weak to do that. I need His perfect strength & gentleness to slowly, finger by finger, open my hands.
To rest the back of my small, weak hands in His strong and mighty palms.
My hands, my life ... in His hands.
I can leave it all to Him, for Him to make the changes that need to happen. For Him to restore what He plans to restore. Redemption comes only by His blood so that He alone receives the glory. I can rest in His promises poured out in His Word.
I sit in the quiet, candle-lit room.
Resting in His hands.
The only light in the house is coming from the flickering candle on the kitchen counter.
The only sound is the gentle tick-tock from the clock on the wall.
There I sit in my husband's recliner.
My hands are in my lap. I look at my closed fists, willing them to open. I am determined to make them open. To have hands open for the Lord to take & lead.
I open my hands.
I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks as the fear within me clamps them shut again.
In my head I think about a section from the book my Bible study group is doing. A paragraph that has gripped me for weeks. I read and reread it over and over. The book is A Quest for More by Paul Tripp. The chapter is Sacrifice and the section is called white-knuckle living.
"The thing that is shocking about Christ's call to sacrifice is that he is calling us to die. No, not to take our lives in the physical sense, but to so fundamentally sacrifice all that is precious to us, that it is as if we have died. In the sense that it cannot be the central treasure of our hearts, he call us to die to our most precious relationship. He calls us to die to our plan for our own lives. He calls us to die to all the things we have set our hearts on that we think will make us happy and once and for all satisfy us. He calls us to open our fists and give up all those other treasures that would control our decisions, determine our actions, and edit our words. Jesus knows that we are not able to follow Him and hold our fists around these things at the same time, because they end up taking hold of us. Christ calls us to acknowledge that what we once wanted, and then became convinced that we needed, we now have become addicted to. We don't hold things very well. Again and again we experience that what we once held loosely has now come to control us. So he calls us to open our hands and offer everything for his taking. And we celebrate his call to sacrifice, because it is a welcome to freedom. This call to die is a welcome to a wonderful new life. And the One who makes this call is the One who gave himself as the sacrifice that is the central event of the big kingdom. He was willing to let go of it all, even to die, so that we could live in personal pursuit of him, increasingly freed from bondage to all the other things that may control us" (pages 180-181)
Father, I want open hands! So I force them open.
All my questions, all my fears, all the unkowns - they cause my fingers to close back into a fist. But how my heart longs for them to be open.
Can I have open hands & still desire my husband and my marriage? What does that practically look like for my life? I don't want my marriage to be an idol. I want to be able to give it all up for the sake of knowing Christ my Savior. To count it all as loss in order to follow Jesus in every aspect of my life.
Through my tears I confess my sins in where I stumble in living as though anything but Jesus is needed. To ask Him to forgive my unbelief in who He is and what He can do. For forgiveness when I cross the line of needing my husband instead of letting him be one of the good & perfect gifts that come from Him alone. To accept the freedom of not having to try & figure out that balance on my own. Trusting Him to lead me as He teaches me that balance for this day.
I can't pry them open & make them stay open. I am too weak to do that. I need His perfect strength & gentleness to slowly, finger by finger, open my hands.
To rest the back of my small, weak hands in His strong and mighty palms.
My hands, my life ... in His hands.
I can leave it all to Him, for Him to make the changes that need to happen. For Him to restore what He plans to restore. Redemption comes only by His blood so that He alone receives the glory. I can rest in His promises poured out in His Word.
I sit in the quiet, candle-lit room.
Resting in His hands.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Whom Shall I Fear
This song has been in my head since Wednesday. Praise God that I have nothing to fear with God by my side. I will let the lyrics speak for themselves.
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The God of angel armies
is always by my side
Monday, February 18, 2013
Don't Jump Ship!
I read a post at Intentionally Yours today that inspired me to share it with you all. You can read that post by clicking here:
http://www.intentionallyyours.org/2013/02/18/cruise-ship-or-battleship/
One thing that post gave me was a mental picture of how so many people are so quick to jump ship. Things get rough and off they go, right over the side. With some false illusion that somehow the rough seas are better. Or they jump on to these life boats believing that somehow these miniature replicas of a big boat will somehow be better & will save them. Oh how it breaks my heart when we actually encourage other people to do this! How so easily Satan deceives us!
The best course of action is to stay on the big ship! That battleship is designed to withstand the rough seas.
And so many people tend to believe that well, my spouse has jumped ship, so I guess I have to also. NO I DON'T! I'm honored to say that with God as my source of strength, I will never jump off this ship. The best thing that I can do is to be obedient to God's Word and stay on board. It may be harder to steer the boat, it may get rougher, I can't see where it is going, I don't know the course but I do know that this is where God grows my dependence on Him. My need for my Savior is on full display, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can see myself like Titanic, out on the front of the ship, standing at the edge, only I'm not yelling "I'm king of the world". I can stand there, arms wide out, fully confident that while in these rough seas, I can rest knowing I can "Be still, and know the I am God" Psalm 46:10. (As a side note, I find it so like God in that when I grabbed my Bible to look up & make sure I had the correct reference for that verse that I saw that the "title" of Psalm 47 is "God is King over all the Earth" - while using my Titanic king of the world reference.) For the moment, I may appear to be out there alone...but I'm not. I'm on the ship with God, and that is exactly where He wants me to be. And I fully believe that it is within God's almighty power to one day, have my beloved husband join me out there. Jon & Kari, standing there together, our battleship forging ahead, declaring to the world that no matter what HOW GREAT, HOW AWESOME IS HE!
http://www.intentionallyyours.org/2013/02/18/cruise-ship-or-battleship/
One thing that post gave me was a mental picture of how so many people are so quick to jump ship. Things get rough and off they go, right over the side. With some false illusion that somehow the rough seas are better. Or they jump on to these life boats believing that somehow these miniature replicas of a big boat will somehow be better & will save them. Oh how it breaks my heart when we actually encourage other people to do this! How so easily Satan deceives us!
The best course of action is to stay on the big ship! That battleship is designed to withstand the rough seas.
And so many people tend to believe that well, my spouse has jumped ship, so I guess I have to also. NO I DON'T! I'm honored to say that with God as my source of strength, I will never jump off this ship. The best thing that I can do is to be obedient to God's Word and stay on board. It may be harder to steer the boat, it may get rougher, I can't see where it is going, I don't know the course but I do know that this is where God grows my dependence on Him. My need for my Savior is on full display, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can see myself like Titanic, out on the front of the ship, standing at the edge, only I'm not yelling "I'm king of the world". I can stand there, arms wide out, fully confident that while in these rough seas, I can rest knowing I can "Be still, and know the I am God" Psalm 46:10. (As a side note, I find it so like God in that when I grabbed my Bible to look up & make sure I had the correct reference for that verse that I saw that the "title" of Psalm 47 is "God is King over all the Earth" - while using my Titanic king of the world reference.) For the moment, I may appear to be out there alone...but I'm not. I'm on the ship with God, and that is exactly where He wants me to be. And I fully believe that it is within God's almighty power to one day, have my beloved husband join me out there. Jon & Kari, standing there together, our battleship forging ahead, declaring to the world that no matter what HOW GREAT, HOW AWESOME IS HE!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Choices?
When things are hard, I have a choice. Am I going to look at the circumstances around me, or am I going to keep my focus on my Heavenly Father? As my mountains of circumstances seem to be growing bigger as I face people, situations & environments that are hardened towards God's truths & commandments, how am I going to respond?
In my flesh - I want to panic. I want to grab control. I want God to give me answers to my questions. Questions like... Why? Now what? What do you want me to do? God, do you see how impossible this is? God, do you see how much pain there is for so many people in this? Why won't you change my circumstances God?
In faith - I am able to cling to His promises. Because of His great work in me, He can stop the panic in me. Pouring over His Words in the Scriptures, crying out to Him, knowing that He cares for me (1 Peter 5:17), knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). Knowing that I am to be strong & courageous, to not be frightened nor dismayed for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9). That because I love God, I can be confident that He is working all things together for my good, according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And that is just the beginning of the promises that I can stand on. Oh how sweet the promises of God to those who follow Him!
Joshua 6 talks about the fall of Jericho. Lately, I feel like I am marching around and around the walls, just waiting for them to fall down. God, why are you having me do this? Do you know how crazy I look to people who don't get it? As God is stripping away everything that gives me any control, or anything that seems to make sense, I am choosing to keep marching around those walls in faith. I am choosing not to panic and be thankful that God is setting things up so that He gets ALL the credit. I, me, Kari, I have done nothing but rested in the faith that is supplied by Him. In the big war and all of the "little" battles along the way I can give God praise that He is removing any aspect that would steal any of His glory and take away from associating the power to anyone or anything but Him. It was hard to get to that point - but I think I'm finally getting there. Total and complete surrender to God's way & plan. Where all my trust is in Him. In a way, all of my eggs are in His basket, I'm not holding any out "just in case". Those walls coming down - it will be ALL God.
That's great, but now what do I do? I go to 2 Chronicles 20 (I know! Chronicles!? I was really struggling one night & my nightly reading had me in Chronicles and I was like, "really, God? How is Chronicles going to help me tonight?" But be faithful in all you do - God meets you there!) It talks about Jehoshaphat's battle. Verse 15 & 17 jumped off the page at me "Do not be afraid & do not be dismayed at this great horde, fort he battle is not your but God's." "You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf. O Judah & Jerusalem, do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you." That reinforces everything I've already typed. So what do I DO? The answer is in verse 21... "And when he had taken counsel with the people, he appointed those who were to sing to the LORD and praise him in holy attire, as they went before the army, and say, GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD FOR HIS STEADFAST LOVE ENDURES FOREVER" (emphasis added by me).
Without God, I would not be able to choose faith,. On my own, I would choose panic (it would be masked as moving on, sticking it to him, finding someone new, accepting the world's ways, etc) But because God is who He is I can choose faith in who He is. I can choose to stand firm and praise Him. Because of His work in changing who I am , I can give thanks for His steadfast love endures forever. The walls He wants to bring down, whenever and however He wants to - I can be confident He will do exactly what He planned before the world was even created. And that my friends, gives the ultimate peace.
In my flesh - I want to panic. I want to grab control. I want God to give me answers to my questions. Questions like... Why? Now what? What do you want me to do? God, do you see how impossible this is? God, do you see how much pain there is for so many people in this? Why won't you change my circumstances God?
In faith - I am able to cling to His promises. Because of His great work in me, He can stop the panic in me. Pouring over His Words in the Scriptures, crying out to Him, knowing that He cares for me (1 Peter 5:17), knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). Knowing that I am to be strong & courageous, to not be frightened nor dismayed for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9). That because I love God, I can be confident that He is working all things together for my good, according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And that is just the beginning of the promises that I can stand on. Oh how sweet the promises of God to those who follow Him!
Joshua 6 talks about the fall of Jericho. Lately, I feel like I am marching around and around the walls, just waiting for them to fall down. God, why are you having me do this? Do you know how crazy I look to people who don't get it? As God is stripping away everything that gives me any control, or anything that seems to make sense, I am choosing to keep marching around those walls in faith. I am choosing not to panic and be thankful that God is setting things up so that He gets ALL the credit. I, me, Kari, I have done nothing but rested in the faith that is supplied by Him. In the big war and all of the "little" battles along the way I can give God praise that He is removing any aspect that would steal any of His glory and take away from associating the power to anyone or anything but Him. It was hard to get to that point - but I think I'm finally getting there. Total and complete surrender to God's way & plan. Where all my trust is in Him. In a way, all of my eggs are in His basket, I'm not holding any out "just in case". Those walls coming down - it will be ALL God.
That's great, but now what do I do? I go to 2 Chronicles 20 (I know! Chronicles!? I was really struggling one night & my nightly reading had me in Chronicles and I was like, "really, God? How is Chronicles going to help me tonight?" But be faithful in all you do - God meets you there!) It talks about Jehoshaphat's battle. Verse 15 & 17 jumped off the page at me "Do not be afraid & do not be dismayed at this great horde, fort he battle is not your but God's." "You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf. O Judah & Jerusalem, do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you." That reinforces everything I've already typed. So what do I DO? The answer is in verse 21... "And when he had taken counsel with the people, he appointed those who were to sing to the LORD and praise him in holy attire, as they went before the army, and say, GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD FOR HIS STEADFAST LOVE ENDURES FOREVER" (emphasis added by me).
Without God, I would not be able to choose faith,. On my own, I would choose panic (it would be masked as moving on, sticking it to him, finding someone new, accepting the world's ways, etc) But because God is who He is I can choose faith in who He is. I can choose to stand firm and praise Him. Because of His work in changing who I am , I can give thanks for His steadfast love endures forever. The walls He wants to bring down, whenever and however He wants to - I can be confident He will do exactly what He planned before the world was even created. And that my friends, gives the ultimate peace.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
I've Been Set Free
This song has been in my head all day. I woke up singing it. It may have been a hard weekend; but today I just have this joy that I can't explain. All I can say is that it's a God thing.
I took some time to go back & read my previous blog posts. Sometimes I feel like I haven't grown at all. And that is when I am grateful for this blog (and my own private journal). I can look back & read what God has been doing in me and WOW! Praise God for He has done some mighty powerful things in my life. It also makes me think of the lyrics of another awesome song by Big Daddy Weave, Redeemed..."Jesus, I'm not who I used to be - I've been redeemed". And this song being in my head reinforces what I looked back at & read this afternoon.
My chains are gone,
I've been set free
My God, My Savior
has ransomed me
and like a flood
His mercy rains
Unending Love, Amazing Grace
Friday, November 16, 2012
Hunting
As you have
probably figured out by now, I love my husband so very much. I am a stander for my marriage & I am one
of many, many people praying for his salvation & the restoration of our
marriage. It is always a difficult line
to walk, how much do I share & how much do I not put out there because I
want to cover him in love, not hang him out to dry? I want to respect my husband & treat him
with honor. That makes this post hard to
write. But this blog is about being real. And I can’t just walk around saying what Biblically sounds good letting some
of you hurting friends think that I because I rest in God’s hands that I somehow
don’t feel the pain of real situations.
So when you read this please know that each word was painful and was
written as tears fell. And that
regardless of what the circumstances reflect right now, that my heart & my door
will ALWAYS be open to my husband. My God, He is bigger than all of it.
Bigger than the sin, bigger than the hurt, and oh so mighty to save.
This
week/weekend is especially hard for me.
It brings front & center huge reality checks of the damage & the
loss that has been done. It is a
reminder that the man that is my husband is so very lost as he is held captive by the evil one. It shows me how hardened by sin his heart
really is. ANYONE who rejects the gift
of God’s son & refuses to walk in His ways will suffer eternally. And to see that being played out in my man’s
soul breaks my heart more than anything else.
But it also
brings the sweet reminder that this has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with our precious
children. It has everything to do with
my love & his relationship with his creator. It is a reminder that I can walk in the
freedom Christ has given me because I don’t have to do anything to fix it. I have nothing to do with the problem and I have
nothing to do with the solution. He is
in God’s hand; but that doesn’t take away the grief.
This picture
was taken in November of 2002. Tyler was
not quite a month old. Jon was so
excited to have gotten this deer. I
remember the joy of bundling Tyler up to go out to take a picture with his daddy
& his deer. I remember sharing
conversations over the years of just how excited my beloved was to have a son, for
when the time would come to take him out and teach him to hunt. To teach him the traditions of opening weekend,
and the cabin, the calmness of the woods with the sunrise. Of the man food and taking no showers and
everything else that goes with it. My
husband & I shared so many dreams, his dad had done it for him and
I was honored that I would get to watch him do the same with our own son.
Opening
weekend is here, our son is 10. He is
super excited. His sleeping bag is
ready, his bags are packed, his lunches are talked about –especially the little
candy bars for his pocket. He can’t wait
to get with all the guys tomorrow morning, he hopes that he gets to watch &
help gut & skin a deer with them again this year (yuck, I know, but it’s
part of the deal I guess). But under the
excitement he carries a burden that he shared with me. A burden that breaks my heart, because I
carry it too.
Like last
year, our son will do opening weekend with a man that I am so grateful for, his
grandpa, my dad. We rejoice in this, yet
we grieve the loss that he is not hunting with his own dad. Which is not by our choosing! The husband
& father that we once knew is gone.
His shell is there, but his heart & soul have been hardened beyond
recognition. The longer a person lives
in sin, the harder & harder their heart becomes. And situations like this weekend, remind me
that his choices have nothing to do with me or our kids; it is just a real reflection of
a heart separated from the love of Christ.
So what do we
do? We cry. We rightly grieve another very real loss. We pray.
We cling to God’s promises. We
speak God’s truths to expose the lies. We
leave everything in the hands of the One who is able. We make the choice to love the unloveable because
we recognize that when we were blind to God’s love, we too were unloveable –
and yet He sent His son to DIE for us. Apart
from Him, true love is never known. 1 John 4:7-12 7 Beloved, let
us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of
God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know
God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made
manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might
live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved
God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved,
if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No
one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is
perfected in us.
And we hunt
and eat candy bars. And enjoy every
minute of it knowing & walking in the truth that our God is good. And praising God that with Him, all things
are possible (Matthew 19:26). Please don’t
walk away from this blog post angry at my husband or feeling sorry for me &
the kids. Instead, take this moment to
thank God for what you have. Ask God to
reveal where your own heart may becoming hardened so that He would pour mercy
out on you and stop you from walking deeper into sin. And please, take a moment to pray for my
husband and our family.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I'm Alive
Psalm 42:5, Psalm 42:11, Psalm 43:5 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
This past month has been hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in my circumstances. My soul has been in such turmoil. I have been so down cast. I may be smiling & talkative, but within me, my broken heart is overwhelming me. The daily struggle of physically holding back tears literally leaves me with a daily headache and need for sleep. It's so hard to even type those words. I'm afraid that people will then try to hug me & that will so release a flood & they might find me laying in a heap on the floor. I want people to think I'm strong, for people to see that God really is doing a great work within me. Sometimes I feel like showing my hurt makes it appear as if God isn't really doing anything after all. That even though I am 2.5 years into this I am really just still in the same place a "weak little bird crying all of the time". BUT THAT IS A LIE! By God's grace alone - I am not even close to who I was before. And anyone who has walked this journey with me, knows that truth. But walking the journey & God doing His work doesn't take away the hurt and the pain. I find myself believing the lie that if God was real, or if God was working, then I wouldn't still hurt so much. And I know for a fact that some of you reading this - are exactly in that same place. My precious, hurting friends - God IS real, God IS working. His glory IS meeting my suffering and HE is shining in my hurt.
So friends, please do not be fooled. Any strength that I have is from God alone. I am nothing but a broken, hurting, sobbing mess. I am in desperate need for the healing from my Savior. One of my favorite songs right now is Hurt & the Healer by Mercy Me. Look it up on youtube or else here are the lyrics...
A part of me has died. But guess what - I'M ALIVE! And my hope, it is in God. He is my healer and I know that He is in complete control of my marriage and my husband. I have faith that God will restore our marriage in His timing, for His glory - regardless of what anyone else says or does. My hope is in God and nothing else.
And this was not at all what I was planning on posting about. It really has been hard, and I was going to share about a sermon I listened to that was extremely helpful to me about hoping in God and nothing else. But I felt the overwhelming joy that I AM ALIVE and God has and will continue to breathe me back to life. So the other stuff will have to wait while I enjoy being made alive by my Savior.
This past month has been hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in my circumstances. My soul has been in such turmoil. I have been so down cast. I may be smiling & talkative, but within me, my broken heart is overwhelming me. The daily struggle of physically holding back tears literally leaves me with a daily headache and need for sleep. It's so hard to even type those words. I'm afraid that people will then try to hug me & that will so release a flood & they might find me laying in a heap on the floor. I want people to think I'm strong, for people to see that God really is doing a great work within me. Sometimes I feel like showing my hurt makes it appear as if God isn't really doing anything after all. That even though I am 2.5 years into this I am really just still in the same place a "weak little bird crying all of the time". BUT THAT IS A LIE! By God's grace alone - I am not even close to who I was before. And anyone who has walked this journey with me, knows that truth. But walking the journey & God doing His work doesn't take away the hurt and the pain. I find myself believing the lie that if God was real, or if God was working, then I wouldn't still hurt so much. And I know for a fact that some of you reading this - are exactly in that same place. My precious, hurting friends - God IS real, God IS working. His glory IS meeting my suffering and HE is shining in my hurt.
So friends, please do not be fooled. Any strength that I have is from God alone. I am nothing but a broken, hurting, sobbing mess. I am in desperate need for the healing from my Savior. One of my favorite songs right now is Hurt & the Healer by Mercy Me. Look it up on youtube or else here are the lyrics...
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
A part of me has died. But guess what - I'M ALIVE! And my hope, it is in God. He is my healer and I know that He is in complete control of my marriage and my husband. I have faith that God will restore our marriage in His timing, for His glory - regardless of what anyone else says or does. My hope is in God and nothing else.
And this was not at all what I was planning on posting about. It really has been hard, and I was going to share about a sermon I listened to that was extremely helpful to me about hoping in God and nothing else. But I felt the overwhelming joy that I AM ALIVE and God has and will continue to breathe me back to life. So the other stuff will have to wait while I enjoy being made alive by my Savior.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is so hard. I pray everyday that God would continue to shape my heart into a forgiving heart. I need God to do it for me, because on my own, I don't want to forgive. I read a quote once, I don't know where so I can't give credit to the proper person, but it struck me.
Withholding forgiveness is like you drinking poison and you expecting the other person to die instead of you.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you is the way to set yourself free from the pain they caused. Holding onto it doesn't hurt them - it hurts you. They might not be sorry, they might not change, they might not "deserve" it. But I forgive because it sets ME free. It's easy to think that forgiving means letting them off the hook or accepting the wrong. That's not true. Forgiving lets them off my hook and puts them squarely on God's hook - and that my friends - is not a hook that any person wants to hang on.
God's very word calls us all to forgive. There are verses upon verses upon verses that call for forgiveness. Google it, look in your concordance, you will see a ton of places to look. I am called to forgive because God forgives me. I didn't deserve it, and yet He died for me.
But how do I do that in real life?
I can't on my own. It is through Christ alone. I have to turn it over daily, sometimes hourly.
Does that make me a doormat?
If forgiveness, love, mercy & grace make define your doormat - then Praise God because I'm a doormat!
By God's grace alone - my heart - and OUR home - will always be a place where forgiveness can be found. The door to our home and my heart will always open. Choosing forgiveness, choosing love and standing in Christ.
Withholding forgiveness is like you drinking poison and you expecting the other person to die instead of you.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you is the way to set yourself free from the pain they caused. Holding onto it doesn't hurt them - it hurts you. They might not be sorry, they might not change, they might not "deserve" it. But I forgive because it sets ME free. It's easy to think that forgiving means letting them off the hook or accepting the wrong. That's not true. Forgiving lets them off my hook and puts them squarely on God's hook - and that my friends - is not a hook that any person wants to hang on.
God's very word calls us all to forgive. There are verses upon verses upon verses that call for forgiveness. Google it, look in your concordance, you will see a ton of places to look. I am called to forgive because God forgives me. I didn't deserve it, and yet He died for me.
But how do I do that in real life?
I can't on my own. It is through Christ alone. I have to turn it over daily, sometimes hourly.
Does that make me a doormat?
If forgiveness, love, mercy & grace make define your doormat - then Praise God because I'm a doormat!
By God's grace alone - my heart - and OUR home - will always be a place where forgiveness can be found. The door to our home and my heart will always open. Choosing forgiveness, choosing love and standing in Christ.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Football?
A close friend of mine had a dream, about me and about football. And she doesn't really watch football. But ever since she told me about it, it has really helped me when I start to struggle with emotions & feelings that are not of God, but rather straight from the pit of hell trying to get me to focus on circumstances and not on Jesus, my God & Savior.
Feelings of panic, control, manipulation, vengeance, anger, pride, self-righteousness, desperation and so many more. So I use her analogy to help me live out 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ". Please excuse my attempts to "draw" this on blogspot.
I start to feel like this... (the x's are like football players on the field)
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
___________________________________
Me G
O
D
I start to see all of the people lining up against me. All of the people that are actively hurting me with their actions & choices. The people that are accepting of the sins because they feel they have no other choice but to accept "the way it is". The enemies out to destroy, the ones that are indifferent. The ones that do not believe that this marriage can be restored. The ones that hope it isn't restored because they are that mad at my husband. My husband, the lawyers, the judges, the other women, the list goes on. I begin to feel like it is me against the world, and there sits God, sitting on the sidelines watching me be crushed by all of these lineman coming straight at me. There I am...alone.
But I won't get off the field. I insist on staying in the game. I don't know how I can ever take them all on, but I have to keep scrambling. I HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL SEE.
I need to open my eyes and see the field in the way that it really is...
G O D Me xxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx
___________________________
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The truth is that all of those people against me, God is over them all. My Savior wants me on the sideline. He isn't going to throw me off the field, but He doesn't want me taking on the all of those people. This is His battle to fight, and He has ALREADY WON IT! So there I am, on the sideline, on my knees, praying. And if you notice, I can then see that I am NOT alone. I am surrounded by so many people that are on their knees with me praying for the mighty miracle that can come from God alone. There is also no game clock in this football game. It's called God's time, and not a single person knows what it reads.
So join me on the sidelines. I've stopped scrambling and I'm standing. Sometimes I try to get back out there, and my ever faithful Savior pours out grace & mercy & waits for me to get back off. So here I stand calling out verses God gave me a long time ago Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" and Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth". Amen.
Feelings of panic, control, manipulation, vengeance, anger, pride, self-righteousness, desperation and so many more. So I use her analogy to help me live out 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ". Please excuse my attempts to "draw" this on blogspot.
I start to feel like this... (the x's are like football players on the field)
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
___________________________________
Me G
O
D
I start to see all of the people lining up against me. All of the people that are actively hurting me with their actions & choices. The people that are accepting of the sins because they feel they have no other choice but to accept "the way it is". The enemies out to destroy, the ones that are indifferent. The ones that do not believe that this marriage can be restored. The ones that hope it isn't restored because they are that mad at my husband. My husband, the lawyers, the judges, the other women, the list goes on. I begin to feel like it is me against the world, and there sits God, sitting on the sidelines watching me be crushed by all of these lineman coming straight at me. There I am...alone.
But I won't get off the field. I insist on staying in the game. I don't know how I can ever take them all on, but I have to keep scrambling. I HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL SEE.
I need to open my eyes and see the field in the way that it really is...
G O D Me xxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx
___________________________
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The truth is that all of those people against me, God is over them all. My Savior wants me on the sideline. He isn't going to throw me off the field, but He doesn't want me taking on the all of those people. This is His battle to fight, and He has ALREADY WON IT! So there I am, on the sideline, on my knees, praying. And if you notice, I can then see that I am NOT alone. I am surrounded by so many people that are on their knees with me praying for the mighty miracle that can come from God alone. There is also no game clock in this football game. It's called God's time, and not a single person knows what it reads.
So join me on the sidelines. I've stopped scrambling and I'm standing. Sometimes I try to get back out there, and my ever faithful Savior pours out grace & mercy & waits for me to get back off. So here I stand calling out verses God gave me a long time ago Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" and Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth". Amen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Here I Stand
"My kids are on my nerves. Frustrating me and
not making me happy. I deserve to be a happy parent! There has to be
more for me as a parent than this! I need new kids. I'll leave these and
get new ones."
Sounds absurd? Of course it does. Now take the word KIDS and replace it with SPOUSE.
Equally as ridiculous, no?
Marriage is to be HONORED AND CHERISHED. A child shouldn't be thrown away and neither should a marriage.*(borrowed from Kris Washington)
When I read the above status from a facebook friend it really struck me. Did it strike you? Walking away from my marriage is as absurd as walking away from my kids.
These
situations are exactly where God calls me to stand up and live out His
Word - not just talk the good sounding faith talk. Anyone can talk it,
but how many really live it? I stand for what God says. I'm not going
to be some weak person who caves to the world just because it's become
the norm. My desires are not going to be small & weak because my God is big & strong. Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26) He alone will give me the
strength to stand.
Standing is not settling. Standing is not denial. Standing is refusing to be easily pleased with worldly desires. Standing declares that God - He is big and mighty and strong and He will carry out His will. I won't walk away from Godly truth & be content to play in the mud. Because of my obedience to walk according to His ways, I know what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. And all of the glory will go to Him alone.
Sounds absurd? Of course it does. Now take the word KIDS and replace it with SPOUSE.
Equally as ridiculous, no?
Marriage is to be HONORED AND CHERISHED. A child shouldn't be thrown away and neither should a marriage.*(borrowed from Kris Washington)
When I read the above status from a facebook friend it really struck me. Did it strike you? Walking away from my marriage is as absurd as walking away from my kids.
I
choose to stand for my marriage because I choose to stand in obedience
to what God's Word says about marriage. I choose to honor the vows that
I said. When I stand before the Lord, I will answer for my choices
& my obedience. Why would I stop honoring what I said just because
he is? When did it start becoming accepted & normal for 2 wrongs to
make a right? Why in the world would I settle for less than what God
designed marriage to be? Because my one flesh partner is consumed with
sin? When did it become ok to walk away from the drowning person just
because it might be "too hard" on me to wait for the rescue to happen? Is there a better example of worse in "for better or worse"?
Standing is not settling. Standing is not denial. Standing is refusing to be easily pleased with worldly desires. Standing declares that God - He is big and mighty and strong and He will carry out His will. I won't walk away from Godly truth & be content to play in the mud. Because of my obedience to walk according to His ways, I know what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. And all of the glory will go to Him alone.
If
there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and
earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this
notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is not part of the Christian
faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the
staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that
Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted
creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is
offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum
because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.
We are far too easily pleased.
C. S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory
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