I've Been Set Free

This song has been in my head all day.  I woke up singing it.  It may have been a hard weekend; but today I just have this joy that I can't explain.  All I can say is that it's a God thing.

I took some time to go back & read my previous blog posts.  Sometimes I feel like I haven't grown at all.  And that is when I am grateful for this blog (and my own private journal).  I can look back & read what God has been doing in me and WOW!  Praise God for He has done some mighty powerful things in my life.  It also makes me think of the lyrics of another awesome song by Big Daddy Weave, Redeemed..."Jesus, I'm not who I used to be - I've been redeemed". And this song being in my head reinforces what I looked back at & read this afternoon.

My chains are gone,

I've been set free

My God, My Savior 

has ransomed me

and like a flood

His mercy rains

Unending Love, Amazing Grace

Hunting

As you have probably figured out by now, I love my husband so very much.  I am a stander for my marriage & I am one of many, many people praying for his salvation & the restoration of our marriage.  It is always a difficult line to walk, how much do I share & how much do I not put out there because I want to cover him in love, not hang him out to dry?  I want to respect my husband & treat him with honor.  That makes this post hard to write.  But this blog is about being real.  And I can’t  just walk around saying what Biblically sounds good letting some of you hurting friends think that I because I rest in God’s hands that I somehow don’t feel the pain of real situations.  So when you read this please know that each word was painful and was written as tears fell.  And that regardless of what the circumstances reflect right now, that my heart & my door will ALWAYS be open to my husband.   My God, He is bigger than all of it.  Bigger than the sin, bigger than the hurt, and oh so mighty to save.

This week/weekend is especially hard for me.  It brings front & center huge reality checks of the damage & the loss that has been done.  It is a reminder that the man that is my husband is so very lost as he is held captive by the evil one.  It shows me how hardened by sin his heart really is.  ANYONE who rejects the gift of God’s son & refuses to walk in His ways will suffer eternally.  And to see that being played out in my man’s soul breaks my heart more than anything else.

But it also brings the sweet reminder that this has nothing to do with me.  It has nothing to do with our precious children.  It has everything to do with my love & his relationship with his creator.  It is a reminder that I can walk in the freedom Christ has given me because I don’t have to do anything to fix it.  I have nothing to do with the problem and I have nothing to do with the solution.  He is in God’s hand; but that doesn’t take away the grief.

This picture was taken in November of 2002.  Tyler was not quite a month old.  Jon was so excited to have gotten this deer.  I remember the joy of bundling Tyler up to go out to take a picture with his daddy & his deer.  I remember sharing conversations over the years of just how excited my beloved was to have a son, for when the time would come to take him out and teach him to hunt.  To teach him the traditions of opening weekend, and the cabin, the calmness of the woods with the sunrise.  Of the man food and taking no showers and everything else that goes with it.  My husband & I shared so many dreams, his dad had done it for him and I was honored that I would get to watch him do the same with our own son.

Opening weekend is here, our son is 10.  He is super excited.  His sleeping bag is ready, his bags are packed, his lunches are talked about –especially the little candy bars for his pocket.  He can’t wait to get with all the guys tomorrow morning, he hopes that he gets to watch & help gut & skin a deer with them again this year (yuck, I know, but it’s part of the deal I guess).  But under the excitement he carries a burden that he shared with me.  A burden that breaks my heart, because I carry it too.

Like last year, our son will do opening weekend with a man that I am so grateful for, his grandpa, my dad.  We rejoice in this, yet we grieve the loss that he is not hunting with his own dad.  Which is not by our choosing! The husband & father that we once knew is gone.  His shell is there, but his heart & soul have been hardened beyond recognition.  The longer a person lives in sin, the harder & harder their heart becomes.  And situations like this weekend, remind me that his choices have nothing to do with me or our kids; it is just a real reflection of a heart separated from the love of Christ.

So what do we do?  We cry.  We rightly grieve another very real loss.  We pray.  We cling to God’s promises.  We speak God’s truths to expose the lies.  We leave everything in the hands of the One who is able.  We make the choice to love the unloveable because we recognize that when we were blind to God’s love, we too were unloveable – and yet He sent His son to DIE for us.  Apart from Him, true love is never known.  1 John 4:7-12 ⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰ In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹ Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

And we hunt and eat candy bars.  And enjoy every minute of it knowing & walking in the truth that our God is good.  And praising God that with Him, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).  Please don’t walk away from this blog post angry at my husband or feeling sorry for me & the kids.  Instead, take this moment to thank God for what you have.  Ask God to reveal where your own heart may becoming hardened so that He would pour mercy out on you and stop you from walking deeper into sin.  And please, take a moment to pray for my husband and our family.

I'm Alive

Psalm 42:5, Psalm 42:11, Psalm 43:5 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

This past month has been hard.  It is hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in my circumstances.  My soul has been in such turmoil.  I have been so down cast.  I may be smiling & talkative, but within me, my broken heart is overwhelming me. The daily struggle of physically holding back tears literally leaves me with a daily headache and need for sleep.  It's so hard to even type those words.  I'm afraid that people will then try to hug me & that will so release a flood & they might find me laying in a heap on the floor.  I want people to think I'm strong, for people to see that God really is doing a great work within me.  Sometimes I feel like showing my hurt makes it appear as if God isn't really doing anything after all. That even though I am 2.5 years into this I am really just still in the same place a "weak little bird crying all of the time".  BUT THAT IS A LIE!  By God's grace alone - I am not even close to who I was before.  And anyone who has walked this journey with me, knows that truth.  But walking the journey & God doing His work doesn't take away the hurt and the pain. I find myself believing the lie that if God was real, or if God was working, then I wouldn't still hurt so much.  And I know for a fact that some of you reading this - are exactly in that same place.  My precious, hurting friends - God IS real, God IS working.  His glory IS meeting my suffering and HE is shining in my hurt.

So friends, please do not be fooled.  Any strength that I have is from God alone.  I am nothing but a broken, hurting, sobbing mess.  I am in desperate need for the healing from my Savior.  One of my favorite songs right now is Hurt & the Healer by Mercy Me.  Look it up on youtube or else here are the lyrics...

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
 

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

A part of me has died.  But guess what - I'M ALIVE! And my hope, it is in God.  He is my healer and I know that He is in complete control of my marriage and my husband.  I have faith that God will restore our marriage in His timing, for His glory - regardless of what anyone else says or does.  My hope is in God and nothing else.


And this was not at all what I was planning on posting about.  It really has been hard, and I was going to share about a sermon I listened to that was extremely helpful to me about hoping in God and nothing else.  But I felt the overwhelming joy that I AM ALIVE and God has and will continue to breathe me back to life.  So the other stuff will have to wait while I enjoy being made alive by my Savior.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is so hard.  I pray everyday that God would continue to shape my heart into a forgiving heart.  I need God to do it for me, because on my own, I don't want to forgive.  I read a quote once, I don't know where so I can't give credit to the proper person, but it struck me.

Withholding forgiveness is like you drinking poison and you expecting the other person to die instead of you.

Forgiving someone who has wronged you is the way to set yourself free from the pain they caused.  Holding onto it doesn't hurt them - it hurts you.  They might not be sorry, they might not change, they might not "deserve" it.  But I forgive because it sets ME free.  It's easy to think that forgiving means letting them off the hook or accepting the wrong.  That's not true.  Forgiving lets them off my hook and puts them squarely on God's hook - and that my friends - is not a hook that any person wants to hang on.

God's very word calls us all to forgive.  There are verses upon verses upon verses that call for forgiveness.  Google it, look in your concordance, you will see a ton of places to look.  I am called to forgive because God forgives me.  I didn't deserve it, and yet He died for me.

But how do I do that in real life?
I can't on my own.  It is through Christ alone.  I have to turn it over daily, sometimes hourly.

Does that make me a doormat?
If forgiveness, love, mercy & grace make define your doormat - then Praise God because I'm a doormat!

 By God's grace alone - my heart - and OUR home - will always be a place where forgiveness can be found.  The door to our home and my heart will always open.  Choosing forgiveness, choosing love and standing in Christ.

Football?

A close friend of mine had a dream, about me and about football.  And she doesn't really watch football.  But ever since she told me about it, it has really helped me when I start to struggle with emotions & feelings that are not of God, but rather straight from the pit of hell trying to get me to focus on circumstances and not on Jesus, my God & Savior.

Feelings of panic, control, manipulation, vengeance, anger, pride, self-righteousness, desperation and so many more.  So I use her analogy to help me live out 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ".  Please excuse my attempts to "draw" this on blogspot.

I start to feel like this... (the x's are like football players on the field)

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x           
x x x x x  x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x          
___________________________________
                              Me                                              G
                                                                                 O
                                                                                 D
 

I start to see all of the people lining up against me.  All of the people that are actively hurting me with their actions & choices.  The people that are accepting of the sins because they feel they have no other choice but to accept "the way it is".  The enemies out to destroy, the ones that are indifferent.  The ones that do not believe that this marriage can be restored.  The ones that hope it isn't restored because they are that mad at my husband.  My husband, the lawyers, the judges, the other women, the list goes on.  I begin to feel like it is me against the world, and there sits God, sitting on the sidelines watching me be crushed by all of these lineman coming straight at me.  There I am...alone. 

But I won't get off the field.  I insist on staying in the game.  I don't know how I can ever take them all on,  but I have to keep scrambling.  I HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL SEE.

I need to open my eyes and see the field in the way that it really is...

                      G   O   D                         Me  xxxxxxx
                                                              xxxxxxxxxxx
                                                              xxxxxxxxxxx
___________________________

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The truth is that all of those people against me, God is over them all.  My Savior wants me on the sideline.  He isn't going to throw me off the field, but He doesn't want me taking on the all of those people.  This is His battle to fight, and He has ALREADY WON IT!  So there I am, on the sideline, on my knees, praying. And if you notice, I can then see that I am NOT alone.  I am surrounded by so many people that are on their knees with me praying for the mighty miracle that can come from God alone.  There is also no game clock in this football game.  It's called God's time, and not a single person knows what it reads.

So join me on the sidelines.  I've stopped scrambling and I'm standing.  Sometimes I try to get back out there, and my ever faithful Savior pours out grace & mercy & waits for me to get back off.  So here I stand calling out verses God gave me a long time ago Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" and Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted in the earth".  Amen.

Here I Stand

"My kids are on my nerves. Frustrating me and not making me happy. I deserve to be a happy parent! There has to be more for me as a parent than this! I need new kids. I'll leave these and get new ones."

Sounds absurd? Of course it does. Now take the word KIDS and replace it with SPOUSE.

Equally as ridiculous, no?

Marriage is to be HONORED AND CHERISHED. A child shouldn't be thrown away and neither should a marriage.*(borrowed from Kris Washington)

When I read the above status from a facebook friend it really struck me.  Did it strike you? Walking away from my marriage is as absurd as walking away from my kids.

I choose to stand for my marriage because I choose to stand in obedience to what God's Word says about marriage.  I choose to honor the vows that I said.  When I stand before the Lord, I will answer for my choices & my obedience.  Why would I stop honoring what I said just because he is?  When did it start becoming accepted & normal for 2 wrongs to make a right?  Why in the world would I settle for less than what God designed marriage to be?  Because my one flesh partner is consumed with sin?  When did it become ok to walk away from the drowning person just because it might be "too hard" on me to wait for the rescue to happen? Is there a better example of worse in "for better or worse"?

These situations are exactly where God calls me to stand up and live out His Word - not just talk the good sounding faith talk. Anyone can talk it, but how many really live it?  I stand for what God says.  I'm not going to be some weak person who caves to the world just because it's become the norm.  My desires are not going to be small & weak because my God is big & strong.  Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26) He alone will give me the strength to stand.  

Standing is not settling.  Standing is not denial.  Standing is refusing to be easily pleased with worldly desires.  Standing declares that God - He is big and mighty and strong and He will carry out His will.  I won't walk away from Godly truth & be content to play in the mud.  Because of my obedience to walk according to His ways, I know what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. And all of the glory will go to Him alone.

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is not part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

C. S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." ~ Ephesians 5:33

Have you ever read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? You should.  But you have to read it with an open heart, willing to let God teach you some hard truths about yourself.

In the winter of 2010 (before any of this even started), I felt the nudge to read this book.  So I started.  It made me so angry to read.  I hated it.  I never got past the second chapter.  I tossed it aside.  I quenched the Spirit.  Anybody who told me to respect my husband, obviously wasn't in my home to see how much he didn't deserve it.

Then mercy fell.  And it was as if God was standing over my house, over my marriage, over my family with a fire hose.  And praise God, because it's still pouring out!

In 2011 I found that book in the back of a drawer.  I read it and it broke my heart.  I finally understood the crazy cycle that it describes.  It was describing our marriage, our relationship.  There is one part that made me cry, because it was from the husband's perspective of seeing his wife...

"At one point I was seeing her face, all distorted with rage as she screamed at me, but totally without any sound...the mute button had been pushed on this memory, and then little by little the sound came up so I could hear it again.  Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me.  Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear: "I want you to LOVE me, why won't you LOVE me?  I'm afraid and insecure and I need you to hold me and LOVE me..."  And that's when I began to weep.  All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs-to demand respect, to be right at any cost, to win a petty arguement- this hurt our priceless relationship.  I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need" 

(page 83 of Love & Respect).

I cried so hard because it's true.  When I was yelling at him for little, pointless things, I was screaming to be loved.  Only my husband wasn't getting it like this guy did.  Why God Why couldn't my husband be like this one!?  So I cried some more in my own little pity party.

Life continued on.  Until a few months ago.  I started seeing this book mentioned again - all over the place.  I thought, yeah.  I already read that book.  I got it.  I'm good there.  But there it was again.  Every time I walked into PBW's office, there it was, right above his head.  The side binding of the book with the title staring me in the face.  He has all kinds of books on his shelves, why did I always see that one all of a sudden? I tried just not looking at it, but my eyes were drawn to it.  PBW probably thought I was a little goofy, actually, he probably never even noticed. Ok God.  I hear you.  Read the book...again.

Oh the tears that flowed again!  But this time, they were not out of my own pity party, or my own desire for my husband to get it, or the desire to have it all fixed.  This time, they were tears of repentance.  I was reading this book for this first time as a mirror of my own choices, my own sin. There were no excuses or justifications left to hide behind.  God brought me to a place of brokenness where I needed to face my own sin.

The point of my trial is not for God to change my circumstances, or my marriage, or my husband.  The point is for God to change ME so that it may bring HIM glory.

When I got to that paragraph again, I was driven to my knees.  Over the years, when my husband was silent, pulling back, cold, withdrawn all I could see was how he was failing me by not doing a good enough job at loving me.  By God's grace, now I could see what was really there.  My husband needing respect that I was not only not giving, I was actually throwing in his face and spitting on it too, just for good measure.  I failed to obey God's command to respect my husband.  So now what?  I finally was able to see the log in my own eye, but my husband isn't here for me to live it out.  And God reminded me...Jon is my husband for life.  He is the father of my children.  No matter what the circumstances look like to the world it doesn't change God's truth.  Kari, a wife must respect her husband.  Change means more than recognizing my sin, it means more than confessing my sin.  It means turning from my sin and walking in the truths God has given me.  It means, I will respect my husband.  How? By praying for God to give me the strength & ability & desire to do so.  And choosing to live it out.

I know, I know, so many of you are thinking - this girl is nuts.  She's really off the deep end now.  Not only is she willing to take that guy back, she is going to give him respect after what he's doing - even though he's not even sorry and not even back yet!  C-R-A-Z-Y. How deep in the sand is her head anyway?  How many of you are tempted to call up my mom and say "Deb, you gotta talk to that girl.  She needs to find some closure. She can find someone so much better.  He's moved on, so should she."   Don't do it - it won't work.  I follow Jesus, not people.  Respect is not something my husband needs to earn.  Respect is something that I am choosing to give my husband out of obedience to God.  It is unconditional respect, just like I want him to give me unconditional love.  If you don't get it, I understand.  I was there.  I didn't get it either for a long, long, long time.  That's why all of this is God's mercy.  Because He used it to open my eyes to how I was sinning against GOD by not obeying His command.  And if that isn't grace, I don't know what is.  I'm so grieved by what I did against God, and against my husband.  Praise God that I am free from it.  He has removed it as far as the east is from the west.  He no longer sees it.  This is a journey, over many years.  And I am so thankful for it.

So I would recommend this book, but be ready to be changed, if your heart is willing.  It goes much deeper into the reasoning of it all, and why it is so important.  I would love to go on and on about it, but I won't, I will leave it for you to read & discover on your own journey.  God is so good, and by His grace, I will respect my husband.