R-E-S-P-E-C-T

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." ~ Ephesians 5:33

Have you ever read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? You should.  But you have to read it with an open heart, willing to let God teach you some hard truths about yourself.

In the winter of 2010 (before any of this even started), I felt the nudge to read this book.  So I started.  It made me so angry to read.  I hated it.  I never got past the second chapter.  I tossed it aside.  I quenched the Spirit.  Anybody who told me to respect my husband, obviously wasn't in my home to see how much he didn't deserve it.

Then mercy fell.  And it was as if God was standing over my house, over my marriage, over my family with a fire hose.  And praise God, because it's still pouring out!

In 2011 I found that book in the back of a drawer.  I read it and it broke my heart.  I finally understood the crazy cycle that it describes.  It was describing our marriage, our relationship.  There is one part that made me cry, because it was from the husband's perspective of seeing his wife...

"At one point I was seeing her face, all distorted with rage as she screamed at me, but totally without any sound...the mute button had been pushed on this memory, and then little by little the sound came up so I could hear it again.  Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me.  Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear: "I want you to LOVE me, why won't you LOVE me?  I'm afraid and insecure and I need you to hold me and LOVE me..."  And that's when I began to weep.  All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs-to demand respect, to be right at any cost, to win a petty arguement- this hurt our priceless relationship.  I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need" 

(page 83 of Love & Respect).

I cried so hard because it's true.  When I was yelling at him for little, pointless things, I was screaming to be loved.  Only my husband wasn't getting it like this guy did.  Why God Why couldn't my husband be like this one!?  So I cried some more in my own little pity party.

Life continued on.  Until a few months ago.  I started seeing this book mentioned again - all over the place.  I thought, yeah.  I already read that book.  I got it.  I'm good there.  But there it was again.  Every time I walked into PBW's office, there it was, right above his head.  The side binding of the book with the title staring me in the face.  He has all kinds of books on his shelves, why did I always see that one all of a sudden? I tried just not looking at it, but my eyes were drawn to it.  PBW probably thought I was a little goofy, actually, he probably never even noticed. Ok God.  I hear you.  Read the book...again.

Oh the tears that flowed again!  But this time, they were not out of my own pity party, or my own desire for my husband to get it, or the desire to have it all fixed.  This time, they were tears of repentance.  I was reading this book for this first time as a mirror of my own choices, my own sin. There were no excuses or justifications left to hide behind.  God brought me to a place of brokenness where I needed to face my own sin.

The point of my trial is not for God to change my circumstances, or my marriage, or my husband.  The point is for God to change ME so that it may bring HIM glory.

When I got to that paragraph again, I was driven to my knees.  Over the years, when my husband was silent, pulling back, cold, withdrawn all I could see was how he was failing me by not doing a good enough job at loving me.  By God's grace, now I could see what was really there.  My husband needing respect that I was not only not giving, I was actually throwing in his face and spitting on it too, just for good measure.  I failed to obey God's command to respect my husband.  So now what?  I finally was able to see the log in my own eye, but my husband isn't here for me to live it out.  And God reminded me...Jon is my husband for life.  He is the father of my children.  No matter what the circumstances look like to the world it doesn't change God's truth.  Kari, a wife must respect her husband.  Change means more than recognizing my sin, it means more than confessing my sin.  It means turning from my sin and walking in the truths God has given me.  It means, I will respect my husband.  How? By praying for God to give me the strength & ability & desire to do so.  And choosing to live it out.

I know, I know, so many of you are thinking - this girl is nuts.  She's really off the deep end now.  Not only is she willing to take that guy back, she is going to give him respect after what he's doing - even though he's not even sorry and not even back yet!  C-R-A-Z-Y. How deep in the sand is her head anyway?  How many of you are tempted to call up my mom and say "Deb, you gotta talk to that girl.  She needs to find some closure. She can find someone so much better.  He's moved on, so should she."   Don't do it - it won't work.  I follow Jesus, not people.  Respect is not something my husband needs to earn.  Respect is something that I am choosing to give my husband out of obedience to God.  It is unconditional respect, just like I want him to give me unconditional love.  If you don't get it, I understand.  I was there.  I didn't get it either for a long, long, long time.  That's why all of this is God's mercy.  Because He used it to open my eyes to how I was sinning against GOD by not obeying His command.  And if that isn't grace, I don't know what is.  I'm so grieved by what I did against God, and against my husband.  Praise God that I am free from it.  He has removed it as far as the east is from the west.  He no longer sees it.  This is a journey, over many years.  And I am so thankful for it.

So I would recommend this book, but be ready to be changed, if your heart is willing.  It goes much deeper into the reasoning of it all, and why it is so important.  I would love to go on and on about it, but I won't, I will leave it for you to read & discover on your own journey.  God is so good, and by His grace, I will respect my husband.

I hate roller coasters

I haven't updated in a few weeks, and I apologize for that.

First of all, God gets all the glory.  July 19 did not happen.  Praise God that He moved and our marriage is still intact.  The only explanation - God.  Remember from a few weeks ago - Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."  the only thing that matters is what God has planned.  Nothing outside of that plan will happen no matter what.  I wish that I  was coming here to say that it didn't happen because my husband has come home, but that day has not yet arrived. 

But that doesn't shake me. 

The days are rough so I am struggling to write.  I feel like I just keep repeating myself sometimes.  But that is where God has me.

Waiting.

Praying.

Trusting.

It's not mine to fix.  It's God's. 

Where do I find peace?  It's not in what I can hold on to; it's in the One that's holding me.

I believe in God's promises.

God is always good.  All glory does now and always will go to Him alone.

I just wait, pray & trust, knowing that the roller coaster will not flip me off as it flips, rolls, turns, sinks & rises.  I've always hated roller coasters, but if I'm going to be on one, this is the one to be on.  For He is holding me in, laying the track and bringing me to the end of it.  I wouldn't want to see the picture taken half-way through the ride!  It might be a little scary.  But isn't that where the mercy is.  Where God is doing the work.  In the upside down turn, you can't see what is ahead, but God does.  He will bring me through.  He will be victorious as I hold on and enjoy the ride.

July 19

I am not superstitious.  I do not believe that numbers or dates "mean" anything.  But I do believe that Satan is at work in this world and that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12.  And I do believe that God, through His Holy Spirit, can "speak" to His children.  I had an eye-opening experience this past week.  It was about July 19.  As you read this post, anyone with eyes to see, won't be able to miss God's hand in all of this, leading, guiding, and working.

July 19, 2012 is our court date.  It was suppose to be in June, but it was rescheduled for that day.  I have no idea what is going to happen on that date.  I'm choosing - hourly - to put that in God's hands.  But I am weak, and I was having a time of stressing & crying last weekend. I felt the whisper to get out a box and dig to find the tape of when Jon & I were baptized together.  The very instant that I saw the tape - I knew what God meant for me to see.  The date on the tape:   JULY 19, 2009

Then I was doing some more thinking.  July 19, 2010 was the ill-fated golf tournament that mercifully brought sins to light.  July19, 2011 was also not a good day for marriage reasons.  And I got the message.

God did an amazing work in me on July 19, 2009. And it has Satan worried - and it should.  Looking back from the very beginning of this journey I have said that I always felt that after we were baptized together, that Jon & I started going two different directions.  We had individual & family trials, and we both started handling them differently.  We both had the same choices, we made different ones.  I will never try to claim to know Jon's heart.  Whether or not his baptism was genuine or was a show - only God & Jon know.  I will only answer for myself.

And I'm taking back the date of July 19.  July 19 will be a day of celebration for me.  This year it will mark the 3 year anniversary of the day that I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  Every day belongs to God, he can do whatever He wants on July 18, July 19, and July 20 and any other day.  By the blood of Jesus, as His child, Satan has no power over July 19 anymore.  I claim the victory that was already won on that date.  I was filled with the Holy Spirit and nothing can take that away.  God has already overcome it!

I will walk into that court room on July 19 defined as a child of the most high God.  And I will walk out of that court room defined as a child of the most high God.  

No matter what happens, I will praise His Holy name.  I will sing His praises every day.  

No piece of paper will change the truth that my life, my marriage, my husband, my family they all belong to God.  No matter how hard satan tries - evil will never overcome truth and he knows it.  He is trying to destroy me with it - and I'm claiming victory in Jesus!

I have gone from dreading the day, to prepared for the day.  I am confident that we will all see God move - I'm not saying I know when or how He is going to move & work, or what that will look like for me or our marriage.  But I am confident that God's power over evil will be evident for all to see.  I am claiming 2 verses God has given me over and over in the last 2 years Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent". and Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God".  It's all in His control, and in His timing...and Satan should be worried, because he knows he has already lost the war.  Please pray for me & my family that day & the days leading up to it.  God's will - it will be done.  I don't know His plan, or His outcome, but I know it is for my good.

I believe that 3 years ago, on July 19, 2009.  Jon & I were baptized together for a reason.  I believe that day was the first day of the rest of our lives together.  That God watched that and began a good work in both of us, and "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6.  Apart from His work, our marriage would be stuck in mundane, yuckiness where we were both miserable.  

And all of this...

This is all His mercy poured out on both of us in an amazing journey.  A journey to one day have the marriage that we never could have had apart from Him who created marriage, created us,and brought us together as one flesh.  Thank you God, for this incredible journey.  And I, for one, am excited to walk the rest.

 

Happy Anniversary

On Sunday, my husband & I will have our 12 year wedding anniversary.  For me it will be a celebration.  A celebration of the 12 years we have been married, the 16 years we have been together.  My prayer is that there will be dozens of more years to celebrate together.  I've been thinking about some things that God has used my husband to teach me.  It is by no means a complete list, just a few highlights.  So here we go...

5. To have fun & enjoy life.  I used to take things way to seriously.  I could never let up and just have some fun.  I was overly anxious and fearful about anything & everything.  My husband tried for a long time to get me to relax and have fun.  I am finally learning that.  To take time to play with the kids.  To do fun things like camping and catching fireflies and making food plots.  To not care if the towels aren't folded right or the lawn is mowed in a certain way.  Or what the brush behind the house is cut like. 
4. That I can have strength & confidence as I go through life.  That my self-worth doesn't come from man.  I am not defined by man.  Who I am is defined by who I am in Christ alone.  I don't have to fear or be anxious.  I don't have to freak out in public places or worry when I am in a crowd.  Any day could be "D-Day" and it doesn't matter because it doesn't define me, or our marriage.  I can turn all things over to God and He will take care of it - no matter what the plans of man are, His way will be the only one that happens - and it is for my good!  I will come out on the good end, living a life that brings Him glory!  And I can move forward with a strength & a confidence that I never even knew existed 2 years ago. Before I tried to draw it from my husband.  I let him define me instead of turning to His Word to see how God defined me. I can now see that none of this has anything to do with who I am or the mistakes that I made. What matters, is that who we all are apart from Christ are sick & desperate sinners - and what we all need is Jesus.
3. That God needs to be first in my life.  No person was ever designed to be first place in my life.  Not my husband, not my children, not myself.  I never got this point earlier in my life.  Putting anyone or anything before God is worshiping an idol.  And that is a sin.  Loving my husband more than God is a sin.  I've learned to seek Him first. 
2. To love & pray for enemies.  Before this, I don't think I really had enemies.  Not ones that the evil one truly sent out to seek & destroy me and the people I love.  Now that I face them everyday, I'm learning how to deal with them.  I pray for them.  I constantly have to be at a place of asking God to work forgiveness in my heart towards them.  They have no power over me, because my God has already overcome what they worship.  His spirit has grown in me compassion for these poor, lost souls.  I feel pity for them, and I truly grieve for them and the pain & suffering that they are on the path towards.  They do not have ears to hear and eyes to see, because they are blinded by the bondage of the sins they are held in.  But I pray all the time that God will free them before they learn the hard way - because they will get it one day - it's up to them on whether it is the easier way or the harder way.  And that is between them & their Creator.
1. That love & forgiveness are unconditional.  I do not deserve the unconditional love & the forgiveness that God gave me through His son.  In fact, I deserve the opposite.  I deserve to be tossed out, rejected, and left behind.  I have rebelled against and treated my Father with appalling, disguisting, offensive behaviors.  I deserve nothing.  But He loves me anyway.  Regardless of my behaviors & choices, He loves me anyway.  Sometimes that is hard to comprehend.  But I praise God that He has given me a real life example of that grace He extends.  My husband doesn't deserve my love.  He doesn't deserve my forgiveness.  But I love him anyway.  I forgive him anyway.  It's a choice I make to be obedient to God and what He has called for my life, and our marriage.  Only because God is faithful, do I have the strength to be faithful to my wedding vows.

I have no idea if my husband reads this blog or not, but I want to end with an open letter to him that bares just a small part of my soul... 

My Beloved Husband,
God is using you for great things hun. God gave me this verse a year ago and I think of it often, 1 Corinthians 7:16 "For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?".  God used you, Jon, to save me and you didn't even know it.  He used you to bring me to the end of myself so that I might turn to Him.  That I would recognize that what I need is Jesus.  Thank you for your role in that.  God does the saving, but it is amazing to recognize the things and people that He uses to do His work.  You, my love, are forever in my heart.  You, my love, will forever be in my constant thoughts & prayers.  You, my love, will always be my husband in my eyes, and most importantly, in God's eyes.  Because God worked through you, in this mess, I have living proof that nothing is impossible with God.  His glory is, and will continue, to shine through our marriage.  I don't care what any other human being says or does or thinks or feels.  You, Jon, are always welcome to come home at anytime.  By God's redeeming grace, our door, and my heart will always be open.  I can't save you, and I'm not trying to save you.  Only in Christ will you find forgiveness that leads to eternal life.  Because of God's great work within me I can say that I do choose to always love you and forgive you.  Because of God's grace, you have not "done too much".  I pray for the day when our marriage will reflect Christ's love for His church, as He designed it to be.  God is good and I praise Him that He loves you so much more than I ever could.  You are loved.  Happy anniversary.  I love you.

Love You Always & Forever,
Kari

A Book to Big

Have you ever really read the last verse of John?  Sometimes I tend to gloss over closing verses, and they don't really sink in.  This past weekend, John 21:25 floored me: "Now there are also many other things that Jesus did.  Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written."  Wow.  That left me speechless.

Jesus did so much that the world could not contain all of the books it would take to write them down.  Think about that.

And Jesus is still pouring out blessings in lives today.  If you started to write down everything that He has done, and is doing for YOU today...you wouldn't be able to keep up or even begin to get them all.  God's blessings are all around us, we just need to open our eyes and choose to see them.  Only by His grace are you even able to take a breath.  No wonder it's impossible to write it all down.  You'd constantly have to be going back and saying, "and I just took another breath!"

God gave me a huge blessing this past week.  He showed me a way that He is working when I can't see it.  He didn't have to show me, but He did.  He came forth shining with glorious light doing something that I never even thought was possible - that only He could do.  Have my circumstances changed?  Nope.  Is my reality different?  Nope.  But He mercifully showed me that I can be 100% confident that HE is control of everything.  Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"  Man can plan all he wants.  Man can be determined to head down a path that he wants.  But in the end, it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.  AMEN to that!  God has also given me Exodus 14:14 through many different sources recently "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent". And Hebrew 13:6 "So we can confidently say, The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Last week I was full of fear.  I never cried so hard as I did last week, feeling as though my heart was literally being shredded to pieces.  I spent time praying, begging God for something, anything.  I came away angry and feeling as though God couldn't be further away. I went to Him for help, and all I came away with was a headache, a stuffy nose and no sleep.  I couldn't "pray right", I couldn't claim His promises.  I didn't believe any of those verses that I just quoted in the paragraphs above.  Oh I knew them, I could recite them.  I chose to think they couldn't apply to me, in this.  If they did, then things would be different.  My faith has never been weaker than it was last Thursday.

Then God moved as only He could.  His being in control has never been made more clear to me.  He is over this all.  Nothing will happen that is not outside His plan.  No matter where it all ends up, no matter what man's plans, His purpose will stand.  By His grace I was able to confess, repent & cry out "I believe, help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. I am praying that this very real lesson will sink deep into my soul and that I will pull it out every time I start to doubt it.  God is so good that He gave me this breather from the storm.  And if God had not stepped in, He would still be good.  He would still be in control.  He didn't have to show is power at that moment.  He has nothing to prove to any of us.  But He did.  And I am rejoicing in His mercy to do so.  Because I didn't deserve it.  Just like I don't deserve His saving power of salvation.  It's all about Him, not me.  It's about His glory, not mine.  By His grace, may I never forget that.

Last week God gave me one chapter of a book of blessings too big to carry, too big for the world to hold.  Turning my tears of mourning into tears of joy. 

Freedom

Searching...searching...searching.  So many people are always on the search for freedom - in whatever that looks like for you.

Often we feel that if we can just break free from this one thing, then everything will fall into place and I will finally be happy. If I could just find a different job, if I could just make more money, if I could just be divorced, if I could just find someone to love me, etc.  Then I could finally be happy, then I could finally free, then the truth of my guilt & shame will finally go away.  But did you ever notice that when you finally get one "if only", it doesn't take too long and there is another "if only".  That the one thing didn't actually bring you the freedom that you were so determined that it would.  Do you ever wonder why that is?

Because we all seek the wrong things to set us free!  We are falling into one of satan's biggest lies.  That something else or someone else is the answer.  Satan wants to keep our eyes from seeing the light of the truth because it is the one and only thing that can set you free.  Jesus said in John 8:32 "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free".  We get all messed up in the world's versions of truth: well, that may be true for you, but that's not true to me or the law says this, so now it is my definition of truth.  Truth has become so relative and it's sad to watch, and sad when I fall into the sin of buying it myself!

The amazing truth is that God's word IS THE TRUTH.  No matter what you think, or feel, or what the law says, in the end, the only truth that matters is God's truth.  And we were blessed with a whole book telling us what those truths are.  When you stand before your maker and give account for your actions - you will have no other "truths" to defend yourself with.  Your knee will bow and you will confess Him as Lord "for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” Romans 14:11 and you will be judged accordingly by the only judge that matters.¹¹ Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. From his presence earth and sky fled away, and no place was found for them. ¹² And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done. ¹³ And the sea gave up the dead who were in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead who were in them, and they were judged, each one of them, according to what they had done. Revelation 20:11-13 

Do you really want to be free?  Then stop chasing the lie! Today you still have a choice to believe the lie of your relative truth & the world's truth or receive the only truth that will really set you free.  You can stop searching - choose the only source of freedom today.  Rest in Him who came to save you.  If you choose anything else, you will search for the rest of your life.  If you wait until you are standing before Him, it will be too late for you.


Ignoring God's truth doesn't make it not truth.  It won't relieve you of any guilt or shame. Believing the world's truth will only bring you death. Defining your own truth will not set you free. It only keeps you in more bondage.  I learned this all the hard way.  But I am eternally grateful that God allowed me to see the light of His truth while I still had the option to confess & repent.  I pray that God does the same for you today.  Your freedom is right there.  Choose it and receive it.

My Kingdom

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me.  I have a lot on my plate and sometimes all I want to do is throw the stupid plate and maybe it will hit someone who deserves it.  But God has been gracious in using His word and loving friends to help me process so many things that God is bringing to light.  The journey is tiring but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Philippians 4:13

One thing I'm learning is that following Jesus does not mean that life is easy or that all of my flesh doesn't go away.  On one especially hard day this week I was mowing the lawn, with tears streaming down my face, realizing that I don't want to die to myself!  I don't want to count it all as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. I want what I want and I don't want to accept anything less than that.  I was not only unable, I was unwilling, to believe that God has plans for my future that are for my good - if they were different than mine.  My sins of pride and stubborness and thinking of myself as more knowledgeable than God broke my heart.  That's not where I want to be.  It's something that I have to choose to lay down everyday, every hour, every minute.  And when I don't, it snowballs so quickly.  It makes me immune to the sin welling up inside of me.  Ignoring that sin hardens my heart to God's truths.  For me, ignoring that makes my husband my goal, not God as my goal.  I had to get to a place of honest confession and then follow it up with repentance.  By the power of the Holy Spirit I must change if I want to move forward with Christ in this journey.

God gave me a verse about it "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" Matthew 6:33a.  I can't seek my plans.  I can't seek my husband.  I can't seek my family.  I have to lay it all down as rubbish.  My goal must be to first seek the kingdom of God.  It is so easy to get off track, and apart from Him, I will loose focus.

Does that mean that I give up on my marriage & my husband?  Nope, not at all.  It means that I need to constantly renew my mind and my focus to seek God first!  Otherwise, Jon becomes a goal, not a blessing.  And that's not what I want, and that's not how God works.  And this speaks to so many things...kids, home, work, family, to-do lists, ministries, hobbies, and so on and on and on.  God must be first over everything.  In prayer I will stand for my marriage until death - I'm not going anywhere no matter what circumstances throw at me, but the only way that is even possible is through Christ.  To Him be the glory alone.  By His grace, I will always strive to keep Him alone as my goal.