"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." ~ Ephesians 5:33
Have you ever read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? You should. But you have to read it with an open heart, willing to let God teach you some hard truths about yourself.
In the winter of 2010 (before any of this even started), I felt the nudge to read this book. So I started. It made me so angry to read. I hated it. I never got past the second chapter. I tossed it aside. I quenched the Spirit. Anybody who told me to respect my husband, obviously wasn't in my home to see how much he didn't deserve it.
Then mercy fell. And it was as if God was standing over my house, over my marriage, over my family with a fire hose. And praise God, because it's still pouring out!
In 2011 I found that book in the back of a drawer. I read it and it broke my heart. I finally understood the crazy cycle that it describes. It was describing our marriage, our relationship. There is one part that made me cry, because it was from the husband's perspective of seeing his wife...
"At one point I was seeing her face, all distorted with rage as she screamed at me, but totally without any sound...the mute button had been pushed on this memory, and then little by little the sound came up so I could hear it again. Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me. Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear: "I want you to LOVE me, why won't you LOVE me? I'm afraid and insecure and I need you to hold me and LOVE me..." And that's when I began to weep. All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs-to demand respect, to be right at any cost, to win a petty arguement- this hurt our priceless relationship. I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need"
(page 83 of Love & Respect).
I cried so hard because it's true. When I was yelling at him for little, pointless things, I was screaming to be loved. Only my husband wasn't getting it like this guy did. Why God Why couldn't my husband be like this one!? So I cried some more in my own little pity party.Life continued on. Until a few months ago. I started seeing this book mentioned again - all over the place. I thought, yeah. I already read that book. I got it. I'm good there. But there it was again. Every time I walked into PBW's office, there it was, right above his head. The side binding of the book with the title staring me in the face. He has all kinds of books on his shelves, why did I always see that one all of a sudden? I tried just not looking at it, but my eyes were drawn to it. PBW probably thought I was a little goofy, actually, he probably never even noticed. Ok God. I hear you. Read the book...again.
Oh the tears that flowed again! But this time, they were not out of my own pity party, or my own desire for my husband to get it, or the desire to have it all fixed. This time, they were tears of repentance. I was reading this book for this first time as a mirror of my own choices, my own sin. There were no excuses or justifications left to hide behind. God brought me to a place of brokenness where I needed to face my own sin.
The point of my trial is not for God to change my circumstances, or my marriage, or my husband. The point is for God to change ME so that it may bring HIM glory.
When I got to that paragraph again, I was driven to my knees. Over the years, when my husband was silent, pulling back, cold, withdrawn all I could see was how he was failing me by not doing a good enough job at loving me. By God's grace, now I could see what was really there. My husband needing respect that I was not only not giving, I was actually throwing in his face and spitting on it too, just for good measure. I failed to obey God's command to respect my husband. So now what? I finally was able to see the log in my own eye, but my husband isn't here for me to live it out. And God reminded me...Jon is my husband for life. He is the father of my children. No matter what the circumstances look like to the world it doesn't change God's truth. Kari, a wife must respect her husband. Change means more than recognizing my sin, it means more than confessing my sin. It means turning from my sin and walking in the truths God has given me. It means, I will respect my husband. How? By praying for God to give me the strength & ability & desire to do so. And choosing to live it out.
I know, I know, so many of you are thinking - this girl is nuts. She's really off the deep end now. Not only is she willing to take that guy back, she is going to give him respect after what he's doing - even though he's not even sorry and not even back yet! C-R-A-Z-Y. How deep in the sand is her head anyway? How many of you are tempted to call up my mom and say "Deb, you gotta talk to that girl. She needs to find some closure. She can find someone so much better. He's moved on, so should she." Don't do it - it won't work. I follow Jesus, not people. Respect is not something my husband needs to earn. Respect is something that I am choosing to give my husband out of obedience to God. It is unconditional respect, just like I want him to give me unconditional love. If you don't get it, I understand. I was there. I didn't get it either for a long, long, long time. That's why all of this is God's mercy. Because He used it to open my eyes to how I was sinning against GOD by not obeying His command. And if that isn't grace, I don't know what is. I'm so grieved by what I did against God, and against my husband. Praise God that I am free from it. He has removed it as far as the east is from the west. He no longer sees it. This is a journey, over many years. And I am so thankful for it.
So I would recommend this book, but be ready to be changed, if your heart is willing. It goes much deeper into the reasoning of it all, and why it is so important. I would love to go on and on about it, but I won't, I will leave it for you to read & discover on your own journey. God is so good, and by His grace, I will respect my husband.
