I'm Alive

Psalm 42:5, Psalm 42:11, Psalm 43:5 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

This past month has been hard.  It is hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in my circumstances.  My soul has been in such turmoil.  I have been so down cast.  I may be smiling & talkative, but within me, my broken heart is overwhelming me. The daily struggle of physically holding back tears literally leaves me with a daily headache and need for sleep.  It's so hard to even type those words.  I'm afraid that people will then try to hug me & that will so release a flood & they might find me laying in a heap on the floor.  I want people to think I'm strong, for people to see that God really is doing a great work within me.  Sometimes I feel like showing my hurt makes it appear as if God isn't really doing anything after all. That even though I am 2.5 years into this I am really just still in the same place a "weak little bird crying all of the time".  BUT THAT IS A LIE!  By God's grace alone - I am not even close to who I was before.  And anyone who has walked this journey with me, knows that truth.  But walking the journey & God doing His work doesn't take away the hurt and the pain. I find myself believing the lie that if God was real, or if God was working, then I wouldn't still hurt so much.  And I know for a fact that some of you reading this - are exactly in that same place.  My precious, hurting friends - God IS real, God IS working.  His glory IS meeting my suffering and HE is shining in my hurt.

So friends, please do not be fooled.  Any strength that I have is from God alone.  I am nothing but a broken, hurting, sobbing mess.  I am in desperate need for the healing from my Savior.  One of my favorite songs right now is Hurt & the Healer by Mercy Me.  Look it up on youtube or else here are the lyrics...

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
 

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

A part of me has died.  But guess what - I'M ALIVE! And my hope, it is in God.  He is my healer and I know that He is in complete control of my marriage and my husband.  I have faith that God will restore our marriage in His timing, for His glory - regardless of what anyone else says or does.  My hope is in God and nothing else.


And this was not at all what I was planning on posting about.  It really has been hard, and I was going to share about a sermon I listened to that was extremely helpful to me about hoping in God and nothing else.  But I felt the overwhelming joy that I AM ALIVE and God has and will continue to breathe me back to life.  So the other stuff will have to wait while I enjoy being made alive by my Savior.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is so hard.  I pray everyday that God would continue to shape my heart into a forgiving heart.  I need God to do it for me, because on my own, I don't want to forgive.  I read a quote once, I don't know where so I can't give credit to the proper person, but it struck me.

Withholding forgiveness is like you drinking poison and you expecting the other person to die instead of you.

Forgiving someone who has wronged you is the way to set yourself free from the pain they caused.  Holding onto it doesn't hurt them - it hurts you.  They might not be sorry, they might not change, they might not "deserve" it.  But I forgive because it sets ME free.  It's easy to think that forgiving means letting them off the hook or accepting the wrong.  That's not true.  Forgiving lets them off my hook and puts them squarely on God's hook - and that my friends - is not a hook that any person wants to hang on.

God's very word calls us all to forgive.  There are verses upon verses upon verses that call for forgiveness.  Google it, look in your concordance, you will see a ton of places to look.  I am called to forgive because God forgives me.  I didn't deserve it, and yet He died for me.

But how do I do that in real life?
I can't on my own.  It is through Christ alone.  I have to turn it over daily, sometimes hourly.

Does that make me a doormat?
If forgiveness, love, mercy & grace make define your doormat - then Praise God because I'm a doormat!

 By God's grace alone - my heart - and OUR home - will always be a place where forgiveness can be found.  The door to our home and my heart will always open.  Choosing forgiveness, choosing love and standing in Christ.