I've Been Set Free

This song has been in my head all day.  I woke up singing it.  It may have been a hard weekend; but today I just have this joy that I can't explain.  All I can say is that it's a God thing.

I took some time to go back & read my previous blog posts.  Sometimes I feel like I haven't grown at all.  And that is when I am grateful for this blog (and my own private journal).  I can look back & read what God has been doing in me and WOW!  Praise God for He has done some mighty powerful things in my life.  It also makes me think of the lyrics of another awesome song by Big Daddy Weave, Redeemed..."Jesus, I'm not who I used to be - I've been redeemed". And this song being in my head reinforces what I looked back at & read this afternoon.

My chains are gone,

I've been set free

My God, My Savior 

has ransomed me

and like a flood

His mercy rains

Unending Love, Amazing Grace

Hunting

As you have probably figured out by now, I love my husband so very much.  I am a stander for my marriage & I am one of many, many people praying for his salvation & the restoration of our marriage.  It is always a difficult line to walk, how much do I share & how much do I not put out there because I want to cover him in love, not hang him out to dry?  I want to respect my husband & treat him with honor.  That makes this post hard to write.  But this blog is about being real.  And I can’t  just walk around saying what Biblically sounds good letting some of you hurting friends think that I because I rest in God’s hands that I somehow don’t feel the pain of real situations.  So when you read this please know that each word was painful and was written as tears fell.  And that regardless of what the circumstances reflect right now, that my heart & my door will ALWAYS be open to my husband.   My God, He is bigger than all of it.  Bigger than the sin, bigger than the hurt, and oh so mighty to save.

This week/weekend is especially hard for me.  It brings front & center huge reality checks of the damage & the loss that has been done.  It is a reminder that the man that is my husband is so very lost as he is held captive by the evil one.  It shows me how hardened by sin his heart really is.  ANYONE who rejects the gift of God’s son & refuses to walk in His ways will suffer eternally.  And to see that being played out in my man’s soul breaks my heart more than anything else.

But it also brings the sweet reminder that this has nothing to do with me.  It has nothing to do with our precious children.  It has everything to do with my love & his relationship with his creator.  It is a reminder that I can walk in the freedom Christ has given me because I don’t have to do anything to fix it.  I have nothing to do with the problem and I have nothing to do with the solution.  He is in God’s hand; but that doesn’t take away the grief.

This picture was taken in November of 2002.  Tyler was not quite a month old.  Jon was so excited to have gotten this deer.  I remember the joy of bundling Tyler up to go out to take a picture with his daddy & his deer.  I remember sharing conversations over the years of just how excited my beloved was to have a son, for when the time would come to take him out and teach him to hunt.  To teach him the traditions of opening weekend, and the cabin, the calmness of the woods with the sunrise.  Of the man food and taking no showers and everything else that goes with it.  My husband & I shared so many dreams, his dad had done it for him and I was honored that I would get to watch him do the same with our own son.

Opening weekend is here, our son is 10.  He is super excited.  His sleeping bag is ready, his bags are packed, his lunches are talked about –especially the little candy bars for his pocket.  He can’t wait to get with all the guys tomorrow morning, he hopes that he gets to watch & help gut & skin a deer with them again this year (yuck, I know, but it’s part of the deal I guess).  But under the excitement he carries a burden that he shared with me.  A burden that breaks my heart, because I carry it too.

Like last year, our son will do opening weekend with a man that I am so grateful for, his grandpa, my dad.  We rejoice in this, yet we grieve the loss that he is not hunting with his own dad.  Which is not by our choosing! The husband & father that we once knew is gone.  His shell is there, but his heart & soul have been hardened beyond recognition.  The longer a person lives in sin, the harder & harder their heart becomes.  And situations like this weekend, remind me that his choices have nothing to do with me or our kids; it is just a real reflection of a heart separated from the love of Christ.

So what do we do?  We cry.  We rightly grieve another very real loss.  We pray.  We cling to God’s promises.  We speak God’s truths to expose the lies.  We leave everything in the hands of the One who is able.  We make the choice to love the unloveable because we recognize that when we were blind to God’s love, we too were unloveable – and yet He sent His son to DIE for us.  Apart from Him, true love is never known.  1 John 4:7-12 ⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰ In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹ Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

And we hunt and eat candy bars.  And enjoy every minute of it knowing & walking in the truth that our God is good.  And praising God that with Him, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).  Please don’t walk away from this blog post angry at my husband or feeling sorry for me & the kids.  Instead, take this moment to thank God for what you have.  Ask God to reveal where your own heart may becoming hardened so that He would pour mercy out on you and stop you from walking deeper into sin.  And please, take a moment to pray for my husband and our family.

I'm Alive

Psalm 42:5, Psalm 42:11, Psalm 43:5 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

This past month has been hard.  It is hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in my circumstances.  My soul has been in such turmoil.  I have been so down cast.  I may be smiling & talkative, but within me, my broken heart is overwhelming me. The daily struggle of physically holding back tears literally leaves me with a daily headache and need for sleep.  It's so hard to even type those words.  I'm afraid that people will then try to hug me & that will so release a flood & they might find me laying in a heap on the floor.  I want people to think I'm strong, for people to see that God really is doing a great work within me.  Sometimes I feel like showing my hurt makes it appear as if God isn't really doing anything after all. That even though I am 2.5 years into this I am really just still in the same place a "weak little bird crying all of the time".  BUT THAT IS A LIE!  By God's grace alone - I am not even close to who I was before.  And anyone who has walked this journey with me, knows that truth.  But walking the journey & God doing His work doesn't take away the hurt and the pain. I find myself believing the lie that if God was real, or if God was working, then I wouldn't still hurt so much.  And I know for a fact that some of you reading this - are exactly in that same place.  My precious, hurting friends - God IS real, God IS working.  His glory IS meeting my suffering and HE is shining in my hurt.

So friends, please do not be fooled.  Any strength that I have is from God alone.  I am nothing but a broken, hurting, sobbing mess.  I am in desperate need for the healing from my Savior.  One of my favorite songs right now is Hurt & the Healer by Mercy Me.  Look it up on youtube or else here are the lyrics...

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
 

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

A part of me has died.  But guess what - I'M ALIVE! And my hope, it is in God.  He is my healer and I know that He is in complete control of my marriage and my husband.  I have faith that God will restore our marriage in His timing, for His glory - regardless of what anyone else says or does.  My hope is in God and nothing else.


And this was not at all what I was planning on posting about.  It really has been hard, and I was going to share about a sermon I listened to that was extremely helpful to me about hoping in God and nothing else.  But I felt the overwhelming joy that I AM ALIVE and God has and will continue to breathe me back to life.  So the other stuff will have to wait while I enjoy being made alive by my Savior.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is so hard.  I pray everyday that God would continue to shape my heart into a forgiving heart.  I need God to do it for me, because on my own, I don't want to forgive.  I read a quote once, I don't know where so I can't give credit to the proper person, but it struck me.

Withholding forgiveness is like you drinking poison and you expecting the other person to die instead of you.

Forgiving someone who has wronged you is the way to set yourself free from the pain they caused.  Holding onto it doesn't hurt them - it hurts you.  They might not be sorry, they might not change, they might not "deserve" it.  But I forgive because it sets ME free.  It's easy to think that forgiving means letting them off the hook or accepting the wrong.  That's not true.  Forgiving lets them off my hook and puts them squarely on God's hook - and that my friends - is not a hook that any person wants to hang on.

God's very word calls us all to forgive.  There are verses upon verses upon verses that call for forgiveness.  Google it, look in your concordance, you will see a ton of places to look.  I am called to forgive because God forgives me.  I didn't deserve it, and yet He died for me.

But how do I do that in real life?
I can't on my own.  It is through Christ alone.  I have to turn it over daily, sometimes hourly.

Does that make me a doormat?
If forgiveness, love, mercy & grace make define your doormat - then Praise God because I'm a doormat!

 By God's grace alone - my heart - and OUR home - will always be a place where forgiveness can be found.  The door to our home and my heart will always open.  Choosing forgiveness, choosing love and standing in Christ.

Football?

A close friend of mine had a dream, about me and about football.  And she doesn't really watch football.  But ever since she told me about it, it has really helped me when I start to struggle with emotions & feelings that are not of God, but rather straight from the pit of hell trying to get me to focus on circumstances and not on Jesus, my God & Savior.

Feelings of panic, control, manipulation, vengeance, anger, pride, self-righteousness, desperation and so many more.  So I use her analogy to help me live out 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ".  Please excuse my attempts to "draw" this on blogspot.

I start to feel like this... (the x's are like football players on the field)

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x           
x x x x x  x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x          
___________________________________
                              Me                                              G
                                                                                 O
                                                                                 D
 

I start to see all of the people lining up against me.  All of the people that are actively hurting me with their actions & choices.  The people that are accepting of the sins because they feel they have no other choice but to accept "the way it is".  The enemies out to destroy, the ones that are indifferent.  The ones that do not believe that this marriage can be restored.  The ones that hope it isn't restored because they are that mad at my husband.  My husband, the lawyers, the judges, the other women, the list goes on.  I begin to feel like it is me against the world, and there sits God, sitting on the sidelines watching me be crushed by all of these lineman coming straight at me.  There I am...alone. 

But I won't get off the field.  I insist on staying in the game.  I don't know how I can ever take them all on,  but I have to keep scrambling.  I HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL SEE.

I need to open my eyes and see the field in the way that it really is...

                      G   O   D                         Me  xxxxxxx
                                                              xxxxxxxxxxx
                                                              xxxxxxxxxxx
___________________________

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The truth is that all of those people against me, God is over them all.  My Savior wants me on the sideline.  He isn't going to throw me off the field, but He doesn't want me taking on the all of those people.  This is His battle to fight, and He has ALREADY WON IT!  So there I am, on the sideline, on my knees, praying. And if you notice, I can then see that I am NOT alone.  I am surrounded by so many people that are on their knees with me praying for the mighty miracle that can come from God alone.  There is also no game clock in this football game.  It's called God's time, and not a single person knows what it reads.

So join me on the sidelines.  I've stopped scrambling and I'm standing.  Sometimes I try to get back out there, and my ever faithful Savior pours out grace & mercy & waits for me to get back off.  So here I stand calling out verses God gave me a long time ago Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" and Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted in the earth".  Amen.

Here I Stand

"My kids are on my nerves. Frustrating me and not making me happy. I deserve to be a happy parent! There has to be more for me as a parent than this! I need new kids. I'll leave these and get new ones."

Sounds absurd? Of course it does. Now take the word KIDS and replace it with SPOUSE.

Equally as ridiculous, no?

Marriage is to be HONORED AND CHERISHED. A child shouldn't be thrown away and neither should a marriage.*(borrowed from Kris Washington)

When I read the above status from a facebook friend it really struck me.  Did it strike you? Walking away from my marriage is as absurd as walking away from my kids.

I choose to stand for my marriage because I choose to stand in obedience to what God's Word says about marriage.  I choose to honor the vows that I said.  When I stand before the Lord, I will answer for my choices & my obedience.  Why would I stop honoring what I said just because he is?  When did it start becoming accepted & normal for 2 wrongs to make a right?  Why in the world would I settle for less than what God designed marriage to be?  Because my one flesh partner is consumed with sin?  When did it become ok to walk away from the drowning person just because it might be "too hard" on me to wait for the rescue to happen? Is there a better example of worse in "for better or worse"?

These situations are exactly where God calls me to stand up and live out His Word - not just talk the good sounding faith talk. Anyone can talk it, but how many really live it?  I stand for what God says.  I'm not going to be some weak person who caves to the world just because it's become the norm.  My desires are not going to be small & weak because my God is big & strong.  Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26) He alone will give me the strength to stand.  

Standing is not settling.  Standing is not denial.  Standing is refusing to be easily pleased with worldly desires.  Standing declares that God - He is big and mighty and strong and He will carry out His will.  I won't walk away from Godly truth & be content to play in the mud.  Because of my obedience to walk according to His ways, I know what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. And all of the glory will go to Him alone.

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is not part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

C. S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." ~ Ephesians 5:33

Have you ever read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? You should.  But you have to read it with an open heart, willing to let God teach you some hard truths about yourself.

In the winter of 2010 (before any of this even started), I felt the nudge to read this book.  So I started.  It made me so angry to read.  I hated it.  I never got past the second chapter.  I tossed it aside.  I quenched the Spirit.  Anybody who told me to respect my husband, obviously wasn't in my home to see how much he didn't deserve it.

Then mercy fell.  And it was as if God was standing over my house, over my marriage, over my family with a fire hose.  And praise God, because it's still pouring out!

In 2011 I found that book in the back of a drawer.  I read it and it broke my heart.  I finally understood the crazy cycle that it describes.  It was describing our marriage, our relationship.  There is one part that made me cry, because it was from the husband's perspective of seeing his wife...

"At one point I was seeing her face, all distorted with rage as she screamed at me, but totally without any sound...the mute button had been pushed on this memory, and then little by little the sound came up so I could hear it again.  Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me.  Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear: "I want you to LOVE me, why won't you LOVE me?  I'm afraid and insecure and I need you to hold me and LOVE me..."  And that's when I began to weep.  All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs-to demand respect, to be right at any cost, to win a petty arguement- this hurt our priceless relationship.  I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need" 

(page 83 of Love & Respect).

I cried so hard because it's true.  When I was yelling at him for little, pointless things, I was screaming to be loved.  Only my husband wasn't getting it like this guy did.  Why God Why couldn't my husband be like this one!?  So I cried some more in my own little pity party.

Life continued on.  Until a few months ago.  I started seeing this book mentioned again - all over the place.  I thought, yeah.  I already read that book.  I got it.  I'm good there.  But there it was again.  Every time I walked into PBW's office, there it was, right above his head.  The side binding of the book with the title staring me in the face.  He has all kinds of books on his shelves, why did I always see that one all of a sudden? I tried just not looking at it, but my eyes were drawn to it.  PBW probably thought I was a little goofy, actually, he probably never even noticed. Ok God.  I hear you.  Read the book...again.

Oh the tears that flowed again!  But this time, they were not out of my own pity party, or my own desire for my husband to get it, or the desire to have it all fixed.  This time, they were tears of repentance.  I was reading this book for this first time as a mirror of my own choices, my own sin. There were no excuses or justifications left to hide behind.  God brought me to a place of brokenness where I needed to face my own sin.

The point of my trial is not for God to change my circumstances, or my marriage, or my husband.  The point is for God to change ME so that it may bring HIM glory.

When I got to that paragraph again, I was driven to my knees.  Over the years, when my husband was silent, pulling back, cold, withdrawn all I could see was how he was failing me by not doing a good enough job at loving me.  By God's grace, now I could see what was really there.  My husband needing respect that I was not only not giving, I was actually throwing in his face and spitting on it too, just for good measure.  I failed to obey God's command to respect my husband.  So now what?  I finally was able to see the log in my own eye, but my husband isn't here for me to live it out.  And God reminded me...Jon is my husband for life.  He is the father of my children.  No matter what the circumstances look like to the world it doesn't change God's truth.  Kari, a wife must respect her husband.  Change means more than recognizing my sin, it means more than confessing my sin.  It means turning from my sin and walking in the truths God has given me.  It means, I will respect my husband.  How? By praying for God to give me the strength & ability & desire to do so.  And choosing to live it out.

I know, I know, so many of you are thinking - this girl is nuts.  She's really off the deep end now.  Not only is she willing to take that guy back, she is going to give him respect after what he's doing - even though he's not even sorry and not even back yet!  C-R-A-Z-Y. How deep in the sand is her head anyway?  How many of you are tempted to call up my mom and say "Deb, you gotta talk to that girl.  She needs to find some closure. She can find someone so much better.  He's moved on, so should she."   Don't do it - it won't work.  I follow Jesus, not people.  Respect is not something my husband needs to earn.  Respect is something that I am choosing to give my husband out of obedience to God.  It is unconditional respect, just like I want him to give me unconditional love.  If you don't get it, I understand.  I was there.  I didn't get it either for a long, long, long time.  That's why all of this is God's mercy.  Because He used it to open my eyes to how I was sinning against GOD by not obeying His command.  And if that isn't grace, I don't know what is.  I'm so grieved by what I did against God, and against my husband.  Praise God that I am free from it.  He has removed it as far as the east is from the west.  He no longer sees it.  This is a journey, over many years.  And I am so thankful for it.

So I would recommend this book, but be ready to be changed, if your heart is willing.  It goes much deeper into the reasoning of it all, and why it is so important.  I would love to go on and on about it, but I won't, I will leave it for you to read & discover on your own journey.  God is so good, and by His grace, I will respect my husband.

I hate roller coasters

I haven't updated in a few weeks, and I apologize for that.

First of all, God gets all the glory.  July 19 did not happen.  Praise God that He moved and our marriage is still intact.  The only explanation - God.  Remember from a few weeks ago - Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."  the only thing that matters is what God has planned.  Nothing outside of that plan will happen no matter what.  I wish that I  was coming here to say that it didn't happen because my husband has come home, but that day has not yet arrived. 

But that doesn't shake me. 

The days are rough so I am struggling to write.  I feel like I just keep repeating myself sometimes.  But that is where God has me.

Waiting.

Praying.

Trusting.

It's not mine to fix.  It's God's. 

Where do I find peace?  It's not in what I can hold on to; it's in the One that's holding me.

I believe in God's promises.

God is always good.  All glory does now and always will go to Him alone.

I just wait, pray & trust, knowing that the roller coaster will not flip me off as it flips, rolls, turns, sinks & rises.  I've always hated roller coasters, but if I'm going to be on one, this is the one to be on.  For He is holding me in, laying the track and bringing me to the end of it.  I wouldn't want to see the picture taken half-way through the ride!  It might be a little scary.  But isn't that where the mercy is.  Where God is doing the work.  In the upside down turn, you can't see what is ahead, but God does.  He will bring me through.  He will be victorious as I hold on and enjoy the ride.

July 19

I am not superstitious.  I do not believe that numbers or dates "mean" anything.  But I do believe that Satan is at work in this world and that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12.  And I do believe that God, through His Holy Spirit, can "speak" to His children.  I had an eye-opening experience this past week.  It was about July 19.  As you read this post, anyone with eyes to see, won't be able to miss God's hand in all of this, leading, guiding, and working.

July 19, 2012 is our court date.  It was suppose to be in June, but it was rescheduled for that day.  I have no idea what is going to happen on that date.  I'm choosing - hourly - to put that in God's hands.  But I am weak, and I was having a time of stressing & crying last weekend. I felt the whisper to get out a box and dig to find the tape of when Jon & I were baptized together.  The very instant that I saw the tape - I knew what God meant for me to see.  The date on the tape:   JULY 19, 2009

Then I was doing some more thinking.  July 19, 2010 was the ill-fated golf tournament that mercifully brought sins to light.  July19, 2011 was also not a good day for marriage reasons.  And I got the message.

God did an amazing work in me on July 19, 2009. And it has Satan worried - and it should.  Looking back from the very beginning of this journey I have said that I always felt that after we were baptized together, that Jon & I started going two different directions.  We had individual & family trials, and we both started handling them differently.  We both had the same choices, we made different ones.  I will never try to claim to know Jon's heart.  Whether or not his baptism was genuine or was a show - only God & Jon know.  I will only answer for myself.

And I'm taking back the date of July 19.  July 19 will be a day of celebration for me.  This year it will mark the 3 year anniversary of the day that I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  Every day belongs to God, he can do whatever He wants on July 18, July 19, and July 20 and any other day.  By the blood of Jesus, as His child, Satan has no power over July 19 anymore.  I claim the victory that was already won on that date.  I was filled with the Holy Spirit and nothing can take that away.  God has already overcome it!

I will walk into that court room on July 19 defined as a child of the most high God.  And I will walk out of that court room defined as a child of the most high God.  

No matter what happens, I will praise His Holy name.  I will sing His praises every day.  

No piece of paper will change the truth that my life, my marriage, my husband, my family they all belong to God.  No matter how hard satan tries - evil will never overcome truth and he knows it.  He is trying to destroy me with it - and I'm claiming victory in Jesus!

I have gone from dreading the day, to prepared for the day.  I am confident that we will all see God move - I'm not saying I know when or how He is going to move & work, or what that will look like for me or our marriage.  But I am confident that God's power over evil will be evident for all to see.  I am claiming 2 verses God has given me over and over in the last 2 years Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent". and Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God".  It's all in His control, and in His timing...and Satan should be worried, because he knows he has already lost the war.  Please pray for me & my family that day & the days leading up to it.  God's will - it will be done.  I don't know His plan, or His outcome, but I know it is for my good.

I believe that 3 years ago, on July 19, 2009.  Jon & I were baptized together for a reason.  I believe that day was the first day of the rest of our lives together.  That God watched that and began a good work in both of us, and "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6.  Apart from His work, our marriage would be stuck in mundane, yuckiness where we were both miserable.  

And all of this...

This is all His mercy poured out on both of us in an amazing journey.  A journey to one day have the marriage that we never could have had apart from Him who created marriage, created us,and brought us together as one flesh.  Thank you God, for this incredible journey.  And I, for one, am excited to walk the rest.

 

Happy Anniversary

On Sunday, my husband & I will have our 12 year wedding anniversary.  For me it will be a celebration.  A celebration of the 12 years we have been married, the 16 years we have been together.  My prayer is that there will be dozens of more years to celebrate together.  I've been thinking about some things that God has used my husband to teach me.  It is by no means a complete list, just a few highlights.  So here we go...

5. To have fun & enjoy life.  I used to take things way to seriously.  I could never let up and just have some fun.  I was overly anxious and fearful about anything & everything.  My husband tried for a long time to get me to relax and have fun.  I am finally learning that.  To take time to play with the kids.  To do fun things like camping and catching fireflies and making food plots.  To not care if the towels aren't folded right or the lawn is mowed in a certain way.  Or what the brush behind the house is cut like. 
4. That I can have strength & confidence as I go through life.  That my self-worth doesn't come from man.  I am not defined by man.  Who I am is defined by who I am in Christ alone.  I don't have to fear or be anxious.  I don't have to freak out in public places or worry when I am in a crowd.  Any day could be "D-Day" and it doesn't matter because it doesn't define me, or our marriage.  I can turn all things over to God and He will take care of it - no matter what the plans of man are, His way will be the only one that happens - and it is for my good!  I will come out on the good end, living a life that brings Him glory!  And I can move forward with a strength & a confidence that I never even knew existed 2 years ago. Before I tried to draw it from my husband.  I let him define me instead of turning to His Word to see how God defined me. I can now see that none of this has anything to do with who I am or the mistakes that I made. What matters, is that who we all are apart from Christ are sick & desperate sinners - and what we all need is Jesus.
3. That God needs to be first in my life.  No person was ever designed to be first place in my life.  Not my husband, not my children, not myself.  I never got this point earlier in my life.  Putting anyone or anything before God is worshiping an idol.  And that is a sin.  Loving my husband more than God is a sin.  I've learned to seek Him first. 
2. To love & pray for enemies.  Before this, I don't think I really had enemies.  Not ones that the evil one truly sent out to seek & destroy me and the people I love.  Now that I face them everyday, I'm learning how to deal with them.  I pray for them.  I constantly have to be at a place of asking God to work forgiveness in my heart towards them.  They have no power over me, because my God has already overcome what they worship.  His spirit has grown in me compassion for these poor, lost souls.  I feel pity for them, and I truly grieve for them and the pain & suffering that they are on the path towards.  They do not have ears to hear and eyes to see, because they are blinded by the bondage of the sins they are held in.  But I pray all the time that God will free them before they learn the hard way - because they will get it one day - it's up to them on whether it is the easier way or the harder way.  And that is between them & their Creator.
1. That love & forgiveness are unconditional.  I do not deserve the unconditional love & the forgiveness that God gave me through His son.  In fact, I deserve the opposite.  I deserve to be tossed out, rejected, and left behind.  I have rebelled against and treated my Father with appalling, disguisting, offensive behaviors.  I deserve nothing.  But He loves me anyway.  Regardless of my behaviors & choices, He loves me anyway.  Sometimes that is hard to comprehend.  But I praise God that He has given me a real life example of that grace He extends.  My husband doesn't deserve my love.  He doesn't deserve my forgiveness.  But I love him anyway.  I forgive him anyway.  It's a choice I make to be obedient to God and what He has called for my life, and our marriage.  Only because God is faithful, do I have the strength to be faithful to my wedding vows.

I have no idea if my husband reads this blog or not, but I want to end with an open letter to him that bares just a small part of my soul... 

My Beloved Husband,
God is using you for great things hun. God gave me this verse a year ago and I think of it often, 1 Corinthians 7:16 "For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?".  God used you, Jon, to save me and you didn't even know it.  He used you to bring me to the end of myself so that I might turn to Him.  That I would recognize that what I need is Jesus.  Thank you for your role in that.  God does the saving, but it is amazing to recognize the things and people that He uses to do His work.  You, my love, are forever in my heart.  You, my love, will forever be in my constant thoughts & prayers.  You, my love, will always be my husband in my eyes, and most importantly, in God's eyes.  Because God worked through you, in this mess, I have living proof that nothing is impossible with God.  His glory is, and will continue, to shine through our marriage.  I don't care what any other human being says or does or thinks or feels.  You, Jon, are always welcome to come home at anytime.  By God's redeeming grace, our door, and my heart will always be open.  I can't save you, and I'm not trying to save you.  Only in Christ will you find forgiveness that leads to eternal life.  Because of God's great work within me I can say that I do choose to always love you and forgive you.  Because of God's grace, you have not "done too much".  I pray for the day when our marriage will reflect Christ's love for His church, as He designed it to be.  God is good and I praise Him that He loves you so much more than I ever could.  You are loved.  Happy anniversary.  I love you.

Love You Always & Forever,
Kari