About this Blog

When my life is a mess, all I can do is run to Jesus. There in His awesome presence, is the only place to find peace, comfort, love and joy. At His feet, He opens my eyes to His mercy and goodness within the mess. This is my journey with my Savior.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My Story in My Own Words

This past Sunday I had the opportunity to share in church my journey with God.  I would like to share that with you.  Below I have the link to the website to listen to it.  I will also put the text below if you prefer to read it.  If the group mentioned at the end is something that you are interested in, please, please contact me.  Either call me or message me and I will get you the rest of details.  You do not have an FBCer to be part of this group!  I pray that you are blessed.

click Here for link to FBC Sermon with my testimony. It is the April 22, 2012 sermon

Here is the text:


I have been a Christian for most of my life.  I think that I received Christ at a young age.  I lived a life where it appeared as if my husband & I had it all together.  I said all the right things, rarely missed a Sunday at church, and served in various ministries.  I appeared to have a strong faith.  The secret was that my strong faith wasn’t in God, it was in myself.  I believed in God, but I did not live for Him. I didn’t pursue a relationship with Him because I didn’t need Him, I had myself.  I had a stronger belief in my abilities, my plans, my works.  I did not trust God as a loving, compassionate, merciful God of grace.  His love was just another thing that I had to earn and as long as it appeared that I was doing everything right, then I would be all set.  What nobody knew was that on the inside I was a complete mess.  I had a desperate need for control so that I could hide not only from the world and my loved ones, but from myself and from God.  My life was dominated on the inside by anger, bitterness, pride and unforgiveness.  It was fueled by pain, hurt, fear, no trust, self-righteousness and a self-loathing.  My walls were sky high and a mile thick.  Nobody got more than my surface.  While part of me longed to be able to connect with others – friends, my kids, my husband, God, I wouldn’t risk being vulnerable.  I refused to let myself be in a position where it happened again.
     In the first year of our marriage, my life was shattered by a pain that I never thought I would experience; my husband’s betrayal.  Together our life went on and it was never allowed to be discussed again.  I didn’t turn to God for healing.  I turned on the self-protection to the extreme levels, which manifested in control.  I spent the next 9 years hating my husband, hating myself and hating God.  I didn’t obey God’s commands in relation to Him or to my husband - to respect him, love him, submit to him, serve him or care for him. God let this happen and so I wouldn’t trust Him.  I lived in a pain that suffocated every aspect of my life.  Out of pride I dug in my heels and determined that no man was going to leave me for someone else and as a result I became completely dependent on someone I hated - to define who I was.  I chose to live in bitterness & unforgiveness.  I believed in God but I allowed my life to be opened wide for the evil one to have free reign of my thoughts, beliefs, actions & behaviors.  In Christ, I had the ability to choose a life of joy and peace no matter what I went through. God had given me an opportunity to turn my life over to Him.  He revealed to me that I desperately needed Him.  I didn’t listen.  I hardened my heart because I felt justified because of what happened to me.  So instead I chose to live in a life of sin and I would have remained there forever but God decided to have mercy on me. 
     In 2010, God revealed His amazing mercy & love for me by bringing to light many months of a new betrayal by my husband.  My perfectly controlled life shattered into a million little pieces.  I spent the first few months in the same patterns of desperately trying to keep control of something, anything.  It didn’t work.  I was alone with 3 little kids.  I had a choice to make, was I going to pull in, grab control and self-protect more, or was I going to give up all control and run to Jesus?  By His grace, I ran to Jesus.  And what’s the result?  This has been the most painful, fearful and yet amazing 2 years of my life as God has been transforming my life into something beautiful.  I turned my life over to Him who is able and He has been ripping away idols and layers upon layers of sin & unrighteousness.  In my complete and utter brokenness I’m seeing His grace.  My walls have been flattened and I have finally begun to be freed from my bondages of sin.  I no longer carry the anger, fear & hurt like I did.  I still feel & experience those emotions, but God is teaching me to run to Him and claim His promises as a child of God, so that the emotions no longer rule my life.  I am learning to battle the lies with the truths.  I’m learning that I can’t earn His blessings, and my outside goodness is worthless to save me.  And I’m learning the sweet truth that I have no control over anything.  I’ve learned that going through the motions of coming to church is not following Jesus. How I live my life in my heart and outside these church doors reflects the truth on whether or not I really choose to follow Jesus.  I know now that trials are an evidence of God’s mercy; that they don’t come just to hurt me.  They come so that I can recognize God bringing me to the end of my sinful self so that I would surrender my life to Him.  I’m living the truth that through whatever happens God will never let go; He is enough and He can be trusted. Isaiah 43:1-3 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you.  For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”  I’m learning that by His grace, I’m still a broken mess and for this – I have Jesus!
     One blessing that has been getting me through is the love from my sisters in Christ.  The support & prayers from my church family is beyond words that I can say.  Friends that I never let in before this, have never left me.  They literally picked up my broken, weak, sobbing body from the floor and carried me.  I thank God for them every day, they are truly God’s blessings to me.  And that has led to an amazing evidence of God using what satan intended for evil for His glory.  We will be starting a new group here at FBC.  This is a confidential group that will meet twice a month Saturday mornings starting May 5.  It is a group for women who have been betrayed by their husbands. The pain of betrayal is a very deep, unique pain that attacks a woman from so many different angles. You have a choice in how you can face the storm.  I tried it both ways, on my own and then with God. We will learn together to run to Jesus for the healing that only He can bring.  God is not asking you to let time try to heal you, and he is definitely is not asking you to try and heal yourself.  He is asking you to let Him heal you.  Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God is asking you in Matthew 11:28-30 to “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Join me in taking our heavy burdens & broken hearts to the One who came to heal them.  Don’t settle for living life as a victim of someone else’s sin.  It is something that happened to me, to you and it will always be a part of your story.  But choose today to not let it define you.  Claim your victory in Christ as His child and let Him lift you from the ruins for His glory. If you are interested in this group, please call me here at church or at my home for the rest of the details.  
     In closing, I need to make it known that because of God’s work in me, I have an unconditional love for my husband that I never thought would be possible.  I stand with God for His complete healing & restoration of my marriage and family.  This has not been a story of how my husband has hurt me, in fact, I am thankful that God has used him to reach my hurting soul.  My husband never was, and never will be my problem.  My heart and my sin are the problem. I alone will stand before God and answer to Him for my choices and I will have nobody else to blame.   And the only solution is a faith & belief in Jesus to a point where there is nothing better than complete surrender.  This is a testimony of God’s power to heal despite the fact that the worldly circumstances have not changed. God did the impossible in my life and by faith I believe, it is only the beginning. 

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