click Here for link to FBC Sermon with my testimony. It is the April 22, 2012 sermon
Here is the text:
I have been a
Christian for most of my life. I think
that I received Christ at a young age. I
lived a life where it appeared as if my husband & I had it all
together. I said all the right things,
rarely missed a Sunday at church, and served in various ministries. I appeared to have a strong faith. The secret was that my strong faith wasn’t in
God, it was in myself. I believed in
God, but I did not live for Him. I didn’t pursue a relationship with Him
because I didn’t need Him, I had myself.
I had a stronger belief in my abilities, my plans, my works. I did not trust God as a loving, compassionate,
merciful God of grace. His love was just
another thing that I had to earn and as long as it appeared that I was doing
everything right, then I would be all set.
What nobody knew was that on the inside I was a complete mess. I had a desperate need for control so that I
could hide not only from the world and my loved ones, but from myself and from
God. My life was dominated on the inside
by anger, bitterness, pride and unforgiveness.
It was fueled by pain, hurt, fear, no trust, self-righteousness and a
self-loathing. My walls were sky high
and a mile thick. Nobody got more than
my surface. While part of me longed to
be able to connect with others – friends, my kids, my husband, God, I wouldn’t
risk being vulnerable. I refused to let
myself be in a position where it happened again.
In the first year of our marriage, my life
was shattered by a pain that I never thought I would experience; my husband’s
betrayal. Together our life went on and
it was never allowed to be discussed again.
I didn’t turn to God for healing.
I turned on the self-protection to the extreme levels, which manifested
in control. I spent the next 9 years
hating my husband, hating myself and hating God. I didn’t obey God’s commands in relation to
Him or to my husband - to respect him, love him, submit to him, serve him or
care for him. God let this happen and so I wouldn’t trust Him. I lived in a pain that suffocated every
aspect of my life. Out of pride I dug in
my heels and determined that no man was going to leave me for someone else and as
a result I became completely dependent on someone I hated - to define who I
was. I chose to live in bitterness &
unforgiveness. I believed in God but I
allowed my life to be opened wide for the evil one to have free reign of my
thoughts, beliefs, actions & behaviors.
In Christ, I had the ability to choose a life of joy and peace no matter
what I went through. God had given me an opportunity to turn my life over to
Him. He revealed to me that I
desperately needed Him. I didn’t
listen. I hardened my heart because I
felt justified because of what happened to me.
So instead I chose to live in a life of sin and I would have remained
there forever but God decided to have mercy on me.
In 2010, God revealed His amazing mercy
& love for me by bringing to light many months of a new betrayal by my
husband. My perfectly controlled life
shattered into a million little pieces.
I spent the first few months in the same patterns of desperately trying
to keep control of something, anything.
It didn’t work. I was alone with
3 little kids. I had a choice to make,
was I going to pull in, grab control and self-protect more, or was I going to
give up all control and run to Jesus? By
His grace, I ran to Jesus. And what’s
the result? This has been the most
painful, fearful and yet amazing 2 years of my life as God has been
transforming my life into something beautiful.
I turned my life over to Him who is able and He has been ripping away
idols and layers upon layers of sin & unrighteousness. In my complete and utter brokenness I’m seeing
His grace. My walls have been flattened
and I have finally begun to be freed from my bondages of sin. I no longer carry the anger, fear & hurt
like I did. I still feel &
experience those emotions, but God is teaching me to run to Him and claim His
promises as a child of God, so that the emotions no longer rule my life. I am learning to battle the lies with the
truths. I’m learning that I can’t earn
His blessings, and my outside goodness is worthless to save me. And I’m learning the sweet truth that I have
no control over anything. I’ve learned
that going through the motions of coming to church is not following Jesus. How
I live my life in my heart and outside these church doors reflects the truth on
whether or not I really choose to follow Jesus.
I know now that trials are an evidence of God’s mercy; that they don’t
come just to hurt me. They come so that
I can recognize God bringing me to the end of my sinful self so that I would
surrender my life to Him. I’m living the
truth that through whatever happens God will never let go; He is enough and He
can be trusted. Isaiah 43:1-3 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are
mine. When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when
you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not
consume you. For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” I’m
learning that by His grace, I’m still a broken mess and for this – I have
Jesus!
One blessing that has been getting me
through is the love from my sisters in Christ.
The support & prayers from my church family is beyond words that I
can say. Friends that I never let in
before this, have never left me. They
literally picked up my broken, weak, sobbing body from the floor and carried
me. I thank God for them every day, they
are truly God’s blessings to me. And
that has led to an amazing evidence of God using what satan intended for evil
for His glory. We will be starting a new
group here at FBC. This is a
confidential group that will meet twice a month Saturday mornings starting May
5. It is a group for women who have been
betrayed by their husbands. The pain of betrayal is a very deep, unique pain
that attacks a woman from so many different angles. You have a choice in how
you can face the storm. I tried it both
ways, on my own and then with God. We will learn together to run to Jesus for the
healing that only He can bring. God is
not asking you to let time try to heal you, and he is definitely is not asking
you to try and heal yourself. He is
asking you to let Him heal you. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God is
asking you in Matthew 11:28-30 to “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest. Take my
yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you
will find rest for your souls. For my
yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Join me in taking our heavy burdens & broken hearts to the One who
came to heal them. Don’t settle for living
life as a victim of someone else’s sin.
It is something that happened to me, to you and it will always be a part
of your story. But choose today to not
let it define you. Claim your victory in
Christ as His child and let Him lift you from the ruins for His glory. If you
are interested in this group, please call me here at church or at my home for
the rest of the details.
In closing, I need to make it known that
because of God’s work in me, I have an unconditional love for my husband that I
never thought would be possible. I stand
with God for His complete healing & restoration of my marriage and
family. This has not been a story of how
my husband has hurt me, in fact, I am thankful that God has used him to reach
my hurting soul. My husband never was,
and never will be my problem. My heart
and my sin are the problem. I alone will stand before God and answer to Him for
my choices and I will have nobody else to blame. And
the only solution is a faith & belief in Jesus to a point where there is
nothing better than complete surrender. This
is a testimony of God’s power to heal despite the fact that the worldly circumstances
have not changed. God did the impossible in my life and by faith I believe, it
is only the beginning.
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