Happy Anniversary

On Sunday, my husband & I will have our 12 year wedding anniversary.  For me it will be a celebration.  A celebration of the 12 years we have been married, the 16 years we have been together.  My prayer is that there will be dozens of more years to celebrate together.  I've been thinking about some things that God has used my husband to teach me.  It is by no means a complete list, just a few highlights.  So here we go...

5. To have fun & enjoy life.  I used to take things way to seriously.  I could never let up and just have some fun.  I was overly anxious and fearful about anything & everything.  My husband tried for a long time to get me to relax and have fun.  I am finally learning that.  To take time to play with the kids.  To do fun things like camping and catching fireflies and making food plots.  To not care if the towels aren't folded right or the lawn is mowed in a certain way.  Or what the brush behind the house is cut like. 
4. That I can have strength & confidence as I go through life.  That my self-worth doesn't come from man.  I am not defined by man.  Who I am is defined by who I am in Christ alone.  I don't have to fear or be anxious.  I don't have to freak out in public places or worry when I am in a crowd.  Any day could be "D-Day" and it doesn't matter because it doesn't define me, or our marriage.  I can turn all things over to God and He will take care of it - no matter what the plans of man are, His way will be the only one that happens - and it is for my good!  I will come out on the good end, living a life that brings Him glory!  And I can move forward with a strength & a confidence that I never even knew existed 2 years ago. Before I tried to draw it from my husband.  I let him define me instead of turning to His Word to see how God defined me. I can now see that none of this has anything to do with who I am or the mistakes that I made. What matters, is that who we all are apart from Christ are sick & desperate sinners - and what we all need is Jesus.
3. That God needs to be first in my life.  No person was ever designed to be first place in my life.  Not my husband, not my children, not myself.  I never got this point earlier in my life.  Putting anyone or anything before God is worshiping an idol.  And that is a sin.  Loving my husband more than God is a sin.  I've learned to seek Him first. 
2. To love & pray for enemies.  Before this, I don't think I really had enemies.  Not ones that the evil one truly sent out to seek & destroy me and the people I love.  Now that I face them everyday, I'm learning how to deal with them.  I pray for them.  I constantly have to be at a place of asking God to work forgiveness in my heart towards them.  They have no power over me, because my God has already overcome what they worship.  His spirit has grown in me compassion for these poor, lost souls.  I feel pity for them, and I truly grieve for them and the pain & suffering that they are on the path towards.  They do not have ears to hear and eyes to see, because they are blinded by the bondage of the sins they are held in.  But I pray all the time that God will free them before they learn the hard way - because they will get it one day - it's up to them on whether it is the easier way or the harder way.  And that is between them & their Creator.
1. That love & forgiveness are unconditional.  I do not deserve the unconditional love & the forgiveness that God gave me through His son.  In fact, I deserve the opposite.  I deserve to be tossed out, rejected, and left behind.  I have rebelled against and treated my Father with appalling, disguisting, offensive behaviors.  I deserve nothing.  But He loves me anyway.  Regardless of my behaviors & choices, He loves me anyway.  Sometimes that is hard to comprehend.  But I praise God that He has given me a real life example of that grace He extends.  My husband doesn't deserve my love.  He doesn't deserve my forgiveness.  But I love him anyway.  I forgive him anyway.  It's a choice I make to be obedient to God and what He has called for my life, and our marriage.  Only because God is faithful, do I have the strength to be faithful to my wedding vows.

I have no idea if my husband reads this blog or not, but I want to end with an open letter to him that bares just a small part of my soul... 

My Beloved Husband,
God is using you for great things hun. God gave me this verse a year ago and I think of it often, 1 Corinthians 7:16 "For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?".  God used you, Jon, to save me and you didn't even know it.  He used you to bring me to the end of myself so that I might turn to Him.  That I would recognize that what I need is Jesus.  Thank you for your role in that.  God does the saving, but it is amazing to recognize the things and people that He uses to do His work.  You, my love, are forever in my heart.  You, my love, will forever be in my constant thoughts & prayers.  You, my love, will always be my husband in my eyes, and most importantly, in God's eyes.  Because God worked through you, in this mess, I have living proof that nothing is impossible with God.  His glory is, and will continue, to shine through our marriage.  I don't care what any other human being says or does or thinks or feels.  You, Jon, are always welcome to come home at anytime.  By God's redeeming grace, our door, and my heart will always be open.  I can't save you, and I'm not trying to save you.  Only in Christ will you find forgiveness that leads to eternal life.  Because of God's great work within me I can say that I do choose to always love you and forgive you.  Because of God's grace, you have not "done too much".  I pray for the day when our marriage will reflect Christ's love for His church, as He designed it to be.  God is good and I praise Him that He loves you so much more than I ever could.  You are loved.  Happy anniversary.  I love you.

Love You Always & Forever,
Kari

A Book to Big

Have you ever really read the last verse of John?  Sometimes I tend to gloss over closing verses, and they don't really sink in.  This past weekend, John 21:25 floored me: "Now there are also many other things that Jesus did.  Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written."  Wow.  That left me speechless.

Jesus did so much that the world could not contain all of the books it would take to write them down.  Think about that.

And Jesus is still pouring out blessings in lives today.  If you started to write down everything that He has done, and is doing for YOU today...you wouldn't be able to keep up or even begin to get them all.  God's blessings are all around us, we just need to open our eyes and choose to see them.  Only by His grace are you even able to take a breath.  No wonder it's impossible to write it all down.  You'd constantly have to be going back and saying, "and I just took another breath!"

God gave me a huge blessing this past week.  He showed me a way that He is working when I can't see it.  He didn't have to show me, but He did.  He came forth shining with glorious light doing something that I never even thought was possible - that only He could do.  Have my circumstances changed?  Nope.  Is my reality different?  Nope.  But He mercifully showed me that I can be 100% confident that HE is control of everything.  Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"  Man can plan all he wants.  Man can be determined to head down a path that he wants.  But in the end, it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.  AMEN to that!  God has also given me Exodus 14:14 through many different sources recently "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent". And Hebrew 13:6 "So we can confidently say, The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Last week I was full of fear.  I never cried so hard as I did last week, feeling as though my heart was literally being shredded to pieces.  I spent time praying, begging God for something, anything.  I came away angry and feeling as though God couldn't be further away. I went to Him for help, and all I came away with was a headache, a stuffy nose and no sleep.  I couldn't "pray right", I couldn't claim His promises.  I didn't believe any of those verses that I just quoted in the paragraphs above.  Oh I knew them, I could recite them.  I chose to think they couldn't apply to me, in this.  If they did, then things would be different.  My faith has never been weaker than it was last Thursday.

Then God moved as only He could.  His being in control has never been made more clear to me.  He is over this all.  Nothing will happen that is not outside His plan.  No matter where it all ends up, no matter what man's plans, His purpose will stand.  By His grace I was able to confess, repent & cry out "I believe, help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. I am praying that this very real lesson will sink deep into my soul and that I will pull it out every time I start to doubt it.  God is so good that He gave me this breather from the storm.  And if God had not stepped in, He would still be good.  He would still be in control.  He didn't have to show is power at that moment.  He has nothing to prove to any of us.  But He did.  And I am rejoicing in His mercy to do so.  Because I didn't deserve it.  Just like I don't deserve His saving power of salvation.  It's all about Him, not me.  It's about His glory, not mine.  By His grace, may I never forget that.

Last week God gave me one chapter of a book of blessings too big to carry, too big for the world to hold.  Turning my tears of mourning into tears of joy.